Power Moms Unite

It’s been a while, so please be gentle to this newly re-engaged blogger….

I went in search of my “zing” during my writing hiatus.  Aging parents, struggling students, emotional pre-teens, needy toddlers, and a traveling husband took its pound of flesh- and my “zing” with them… In my frantic scurry to find happiness again, I came to realize that my zing was not a noun- a state to achieve, but a verb- a process.  My happiness could only be found in its pursuit.

As a mother managing a houseful of ADHD and then some, I fell into the trap of neglecting my pursuit of my “zing,” (AKA happiness) so I could do more caregiving.  In an effort to save time and mental energy, I sacrificed my then considered “fluff” self-centered activities, like reading, gardening, and writing so I could spend more time taking care of everyone else.  By saving my mental energy, I actually lost it- quite literally. With diminishing mental energy,  I became more and more stressed. I spent more and more time and effort repairing family disagreements and conflicts, caused by the screamy-meanies. I had not expected to become the ‘MommyMonster,” so aptly named by my kids.  Without replenishing my tank, I continued to spiral downward, with less and less energy and more and more yelling.

Seeking happiness, something that is suppose to be enjoyable, requires effort: it is work.  Somehow, I think we Americans think joy should be effortless- it’s not.  It requires focus and discipline: that is difficult when you are unfocused due to ADHD or depression, or distracted by what you see as a more important task- like caregiving.

So how did I get my zing back…well I first dealt with my emotional concerns- I went to see a counselor, which lead to a psychiatrist, which lead to a bit of testing, which led to a diagnosis of ADHD, anxiety and depression.  I started medicine.  This allowed me to start focusing on working toward happiness – to set up and follow routines that lead toward living a more fulfilling life that included caregiving but was not and is not consumed by it.  I now have rules about thinking in my head:

1)    Own your stuff – your feelings, your talents, and your issues.

2)    Look for the upside, always.

3)    Fake it till you feel it. Practice being full of zing.

4)    Laugh.

5)    Reframe conflict and listen to it. Yelling is an expression of frustration and stress.

6)    Be grateful. Always say thank you.

7)    It’s okay to focus on self for a little bit everyday.

I encourage you to make your own rules.  Living with distraction can make happiness evasive.  For ideas for pursuing your zing, check out Gretchen Rubin’s book, entitled, ”The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean my Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun.”  She has taken the time to try out all the advice happiness experts have to offer.  At her blog, “The Happiness Project” she has suggested rules for finding your happiness as well as a Happiness Toolbox for getting started on your own happiness project.

For research studies about enhancing happiness, considered visiting University of Penn’s Positive Psychology Center.  The site carries links to current research in the area of happiness, as well as connects to the Authentic Happiness Site,  where internet surfers can learn about their attribution style and life satisfaction.  For happiness inspiration, visit the ruHap website. You can sign-up for their user-friendly happiness newsletter, that can serve as a great reminder to keep working toward your happiness goals.

I wish you the best in your happiness pursuit.  It’s good to be back to writing, pursing my zing…

At my house there are 4 children diagnosed with hyperactive attention deficit disorder and one toddler who loves to imitate their behavior. My house is the house you read about in those inspirational emails, sent to make a mother of 3 boys to help her feel better about her boys’ behavior and her parenting style.

Yes, I really have had a 3 year old swing from the kitchen chandelier, let alone had fan blades thrown from a moving ceiling fan while stuffed animals were tied to its blades. I have had my 6 and 9 year olds race each other up twin 50 foot evergreens, only to wave to me from the top of those swaying trees, as I stood at a second story window scanning the yard for them. My kids bite when their angry with each other, and no they aren’t three, they’re nine and seven. My six year old has jumped in a pool fully clothed, overwhelmed by excitement to see his friends already in the pool. My kids tell me they hate me, even curse at me, in one moment and can’t stop hugging me in the next. These same kids have enthusiasm that is infectious. They have a love of learning as well as a love for people and life. They can read three books at the same time and keep the story lines straight. They can focus on a science project, and spend a full weekend researching excruciatingly complex details about planets. They can do elaborate math problems in their heads. They love intensely, smiling and greeting classmates’ mothers as warmly as they greet me. They have a can-do attitude, no matter the obstacle so obviously in their path. They love life to its fullest…So my point?

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How many times have you gotten a phone call from school, in which an overly polite almost timid voice said “Ahhh, Mrs. M., ahhh, your daughter appears to be struggling this morning…. Ahh, did your daughter take her medicine, this morning?”  Suddenly, you are filled with dread and guilt….guilt that you got distracted and forgot to give out medicine, guilt that you let your child struggle so publically with her fidgeting, calling out, or dreaminess.  You are filled with dread as you now need to run home and then to school to deliver her medicine, or worst yet, the dread that no medicine relief is possible- you cannot leave work or are out of the vicinity of school and home…

As you prepare paperwork for the coming school year, including those medical examination forms, consider having your pediatrician complete a “permission for distribution of prescription medication” form, even if your child only takes medication before school.  Imagine the peace of mind you could have next school year, with a few emergency pills in the school office.  Imagine the fall morning when you get that teacher phone call and can say, okay send her to the nurse’s office they have her pill there- little guilt and no dread…

One major issue with ADHD and summer vacations is the bored factor. Once the novelty of having all that free-time-to-do-anything wears away, what to do with all that free time becomes a problem.  On the other hand, over-scheduling and over-planning the summer can lead to burn-out and irritability for both parents and children.  The art of managing ADHD during the summer is really about the art of finding balance.  Several strategies can help strike this balance.

Keep a calendar: Use a monthly or weekly calendar and write down vacation, camp and community trip dates.  Kids need routine to feel secure, but be sure to leave some dates empty to allow for free time to simple create and imagine in the back yard.

Prescript your day: Early in the day, sit with your child and review what they want to accomplish and what you need to accomplish.  Negotiate how each of you will spend your time so as not to conflict.  Explicitly state how you expect your child to behave for any important activities (like that very important conference call at 1PM) and be sure to reward them for following the “script.”

Make a summer contract: Use the summer as an opportunity to help your child explore their interests, reinforce their academic skills, and find their passions.  Write out a contract with your child, in which they list their goals for the summer.  Goals could include places they would like to visit, books they would like to read, cub scout activities they would like to complete, models they would like to build- the list of possibilities is endless.  Include goals you and the teacher identify as well.  If you have a therapist, consult them regarding activities to persue over the summer break.  Activities can be focused on building a friendship with a particular friend, trying new foods with dinner, volunteering at a local soup kitchen, or learning the steps to complimenting a sibling. Set a due date and reward for completing each goal.  Consider rewarding the child with a bonus for completing all their goals for the summer.

Loosen up but keep a routine: Part of the brillance of summer is the long days and lazy nights without a tight schedule to keep.  The occasional later bedtime and relaxation of the rules are part of the inherent beauty of summer vacation.  That being said, basic family rules, chores, and routines still need to be followed.  Be mindful that a little sleep deprivation can lead to meltdowns for both parent and child any time of year.  Rules about not playing on the computer all day, still need to be followed, even during the summer.  Too much screen time robs kids of opportunities to build social skills and develop interests as well as leads to irritability.

Manage medicine:  Some parents take a medication vacation over the summer, in an effort to allow their children to gain some weight and height.  There is little evidence however, that ADHD medications permanently impact a child’s height.  Kids often grow slower than their non-medicated peers, but do eventually catch-up.
Before taking a medication vacation, consider all the aspects of your child’s summer.  Will you be taking a long trip, during which time your child will need to sit still? How will you all survive the trip?  Will your child be in camp, where she will need to follow directions?  Will ADHD behavior make it hard for her to participate in group activities or attend to social cues from new friends?  Will your child have lots of unscheduled time with neighborhood kids, in which impulsive behavior could result in unsafe decisions or poor peer interactions? Before taking a medication vacation, consider all these potential situations.

ADHD is a chronic lifelong condition that needs to managed- will your child’s self-esteem, self-image, and social skill acquisition benefit from a medication vacation?  Consider your goals for your child’s summer and how a medication vacation could affect your child’s success in their summer activities.

In lieu of a complete ADHD medication vacation, consider the use of shorter acting medications for the most challenging activities of your child’s summer- like a long car ride or plane trip.  Shorter acting medications can cause fewer appetite- suppressing effects.  Speak with your child’s physician, and collaborate with your child, as you make these decisions.  Remember that as you are modeling healthy management of a condition that will likely be a lifelong journey for your child.  Fuel their passions, provide opportunities to build skills, and model a healthy approach to symptom management.

Relax: Use the summer to reconnect and play.  Just as your kids schedule time to do homework during the school year, schedule regular time to play with your kids every day after work.  Play catch, go for a swim, bike down to the ice cream shop- do activities together to build your relationship and create a healthy self- image. Enjoy your summer together!

Summer with an ADHD child can be wrought with the symptoms of boredom: whining, teasing, and  irritability.  Turn your summer into a teaching opportunity.  Pre-script your summer with a list of boredom- breakers in the form of a summer contract between you and your child, and in so doing teach them how to make and attain goals for themselves, which will in turn build self-confidence, a positive self- image, improved self-esteem, and a greater sense of self.  To help your child develop a summer contract follow the steps below:

Conference with your child’s teacher to discuss skills your child will need to reinforce for the coming school year.  Before the end of the school year, compile a list of topics to be covered in the coming school year, as well as skills that need to be maintained over the summer, to prevent summer slide.

Collect reading list recommendations from teachers, the school district, and/or the local library.  Other great resources for summer reading include Jim Trelease’s Read Aloud Handbook, the American Library Association Booklist Awards, and the Newbery Award list.

With your child, make a list of activities that interest them.   Where would they like to visit locally.  Consider family field trips that could fuel their passions- like a trip to an aviation museum, a pretzel factory, a pottery studio, a local farm- the possibilities are endless.  Consider a trip to a local museum that relates to information coming in the next school year, collect souvenirs to help recall information later in the year.

Honestly assess what skills you see your child has and is lacking.   Use the 6-Sided Survey (402) to get you started at looking what you need to address with your child.  Compile a list of activities that can help your child build weaker skills.  Consider activities like volunteering at a soup kitchen to help build empathy or regularly presenting information to your family in an effort to build confidence and reduce anxiety when speaking publicly.  Make a goal for giving 2 daily compliments to a sibling for improved sibling relations.  Be sure to make goals for both academics and passions, but also for friendship building and spiritual development.  Use the Six-Sided Survey to consider your whole child. Read more »

Lately, I have been a mom of few words, few articles, and little enthusiasm.  I must apologize.  I have recently joined the ranks of 44 million Americans who provide care to an adult older than 18 years of age.  I have added another job description to the power-mom label –caretaker of a parent with dementia.  Over the last several weeks, my deepest concerns have been confirmed- the bizarre and confused behavior of my highly educated dad is the result of Lewey Body Dementia.  Akin to both Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease, Lewey Body Dementia is associated with confusion, hallucinations, depression, and Parkinson’s-like characteristics including rigidity, a shuffling gait, and a blank facial expression.  We, my mom and I, had hoped that the enlarged ventricles in my dad’s brain, revealed by cat-scan, were causing the confusion, but as cogwheeling settles in- Lewey Body Dementia appears to be the more likely cause.

As we prepare for what is to come, I fight to make this journey meaningful.  I struggle to balance my immediate need to grief the loss of who my father was and would have been, with the day to day need to set a sane example for my children.  How can I best make this path an opportunity to teach my children about love, empathy, tolerance, and optimism?  How can I heal my own angst about things unsaid, when my dad can no longer understand and remember?  How do I honor my Dad with the care he deserves, while still keeping my sanity as a wife and mother of 5?  How will I balance the diverse needs of my children with ADHD with needs of my aging parents? How will I manage it all? Can I manage it all? Or how will I explain to my mother that I cannot provide the care and assistance? Then what?

These questions weigh heavy on my heart, but in the coming months, I am certain the boat will begin to right itself.  Care routines will be formalized-   I will have those difficult conversations-  I will find my sense of humor again.  But mostly, I will embrace the good moments I will have with my dad, and in so doing, model the love I intend to teach.

I ask for your patience, your advice, and your prayers- and well any good jokes, as I seek to balance the needs of all while modeling empathy, love and optimism for my family.
Candace