Power Moms Unite

Keep a disability perspective. I hate that phrase. I know what it means and I know why CHADD (Children and Adults with ADD) coaches parents on it, but I still hate the statement. It forces me to think about how ADHD limits my children’s performance and how I have to work on accepting my children’s weaknesses. I have to mourn the children I thought they would be. That being said, I love the children that they are- enthusiastic, loving, smart, funny, and genuine. Yesterday, I asked my 13 year-old son, who baby-sits for me frequently, to take my 14 month-old back to the beach house and rinse her off, change her into a real diaper, and lay her down for a nap, while I stayed on the beach to watch the other 3 children. The diaper was just a swimming diaper and I want to clarify, there was no poop in the diaper. I say this because changing poopy diapers is a task my oldest does not do, since Jilly-bean learned to turn over and once covered my son and the pale pink carpet in her room with yellow poop. So up the dune they grudged, with walkie-talkie in hand. Two hours later, they returned. Jilly-bean had an impression of her sheets across her left cheek, her curly hair especially ruffled. My oldest son Monty, dressed in dry clothes, bounced towards me, quickly deposited the disoriented child in my sandy lap, and then ran to catch up with his brothers, who were throwing a cast net. As I sat and chatted with a couple on the beach, Jilly-bean sucked her thumb and nestled her head into my neck. It was one of those truly relaxing vacation moments: a sleepy child snuggling against my chest on a barely inhabited beach, a gentle breeze blowing and the sun beginning its descent into the bay. Ah, heaven… for a moment. Suddenly a warm dampness spread across my lap. Jilly-bean had pee-ed on me. It was then that I realized I had not followed one of my golden rules: “Over teach the skill.”Jilly-bean still had her swim diaper from pre-nap, not the regular diaper I had instructed Monty to put on her after her rinse. As a coach, I forgot that Monty would need to be overtaught the new routine that included sand in the diaper management. Monty has babysat for me for months, changing wet diapers, making sippy cups, changing dirty clothes, putting kids down for naps, getting babies up from naps, arranging card games and board games to entertain. He’s made mistakes about popcorn in the microwave- our house smelled like burn popcorn for a week….and he’s learned the importance of NOT watching TV while he baby sits because he gets too engrossed and loses track of what everyone is doing. We have practiced! How did he miss this important step- changing out of the sandy swim diaper?This is where that keep a disability perspective advice comes into play. New environment, the beach- not home, swim diaper versus regular diaper- all new variations in the babysitting routine. I had not taught the beach routine. I had listed it, I had discussed it- but I had not modeled it over and over. My ADHD kids learn best by doing the task with me, while I talk about all the pitfalls and problems that could arise, and what to do about them. They do best when I coach as they perform, many times. It takes extra effort but when I do it- we eventually have success that we all feel good about.I called Monty back from his cast net. I asked him what he had done when he went back to the house- where had he rinsed his baby sister, had he changed her swim diaper or just left the old one on. We quickly realized he had missed a step. He had rinsed her, he had changed her clothes, he’d forgotten to change her diaper. I admit to growling under my breath.As a mom of 5 children, 4 of which have ADHD- some days I just want things to go smoothly. I want my expectations of greatness met. I hate that I have to set the expectation that my kids will cleaning up after themselves, following the family rules, and not run thru the house, while also holding the acceptance that they will likely leave open cereal boxes spilled across the counter while Log Cabin syrup drips down the cabinet front, that children will openly lie to my nose, explosively scream at me in anger, and then attempt back flips off the den couch. I must have high expectations of my children’s behavior while being open to the idea that my expectations may not be met- at least not initially or even after two rehearsals. It takes my kids longer to learn the rules, see the mess, and control their impulses. They will learn it: it just takes us longer. So, I keep the disability perspective. It allows me to have greater patience with my children, making me a better coach for their behavior.