Power Moms Unite

Mid-gospel, Doodle rolled her head against my shoulder while she reached across me to shake her 14 month old sister, Jilly-bean’s foot. “I just love her so much, Mom,” stated Doodle, in a voice just louder than a whisper.“Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ,” replied the priest.Patiently, I reminded Doodle “Please listen to the priest, and participate in Mass. Eyes on the altar, please.” Doddle turned and faced forward long enough for Jilly-bean to let out a heavy sigh.Doodle reached across me again, “Hi Jilly-bean.” Again, I reminded Doodle to look and listen to the priest. This time she growled at my reminder and crossed her arms over her chest while lowering her eyebrows into a scowl. Meanwhile, her 3 brothers sat side by side attending to the priest, or at least some aspect of the area in front of them, be it altar, sacristy, or front pews. They may have been replaying the latest fishing catch from the jetty or pondering how the light hit the large crucifix above the altar. I’d like to think they heard the homily about forgiveness and stepping outside our comfort zone to seek understanding, but I also remember they are 12, 9, and 6 year old boys with ADHD- I imagine they were listening to the homily and recounting their “beachcapades.” Just after the Prayer of the Faithful, Jilly-bean began waving her hands high above our heads, to an older gentleman in the pew behind me. Doodle took it as a cue to sing out to her little sister, “Jilly- bean! Jilly-bean!” Again, I reminded Doodle to attend to mass. This time, I added she might need to attend the next mass, if she could not participate in this one. My patience was wanning.As Mass concluded (yes, we all survived- though I will likely attend confession next week), Doodle happily bounced and chatted with her brother down the aisle, cutting several older couples off from entering the aisle to exit. She wound her way thru the crowd to maintain her chat with her younger brother, oblivious to the people around her.I was horrified. Manners are a pet peeve of mine. My kids constantly hear me coach about respect for people and property, peaceability and gentility. I had not needed to intensely rehearse “church leaving behavior” in years.As the seven of us piled into the car, Monty complained that Doodle was talking too much and too loudly. Monkeyman, my nine-year-old frequently emotionally explosive son, quietly complained that his sister had embarrassed him in church. Jilly-bean giggled recklessly, and my 6 year old son pipped anxiously, “Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad! Hey! I did okay in Church. I thought I did well.”Doodle retorted with a poke to his ribs. “Poke, poke…”Suddenly my husband looked at each other and found we were staring at each other, asking each other the question we hate to ask, “Did you take your medicine this AM? “ We hate this question because as parents, it creates a difficult conversation about who or what is responsible for behavior when you have ADHD? How much bad behavior is the child’s fault? Are we teaching our child that they are not ultimately responsible for their behavior? “Doodle, did you take your pill this morning?’Doodle hesitated and then admitted, “I can’t remember.’I responded by insisting I had handed her the medicine. But as I thought about the hurried run-up to leaving for mass, I realized I had not actually seen her swallow it. Doodle had insisted she eat before taking the pill and I had handed her a granola bar. I recalled her taking the bar and pill and heading for the dining table on the summer porch. I walked Doodle back thru her morning…”You sat at the table with a granola bar and then what happened?…”“I don’t remember. I can’t remember to do what I am suppose to do without my medicine, Mom.” She placed her emphasis on “Mom” with a deep voice.So where is the line between medicine for ADHD and teaching accountability for behavior? I fell back into our family’s mantra, “medicine helps you slow down, maintain attention, and feel less restless. Medicine does not make you choose to follow family rules about manners. It does not make you treat other people with respect, you do that on your own.” Yes a bit of Ritalin would have made Doodle less fidgety, but she knew not to call out in mass and to respect the parishioners around her. Yes a bit of Ritalin would have slowed Doodle down on her exit from church, but she also know the rules around letting the people standing at the pew behind hers- you let them go ahead of you. In short, Ritalin helps children slow down, be less fidgety, and pay attention- it does not give them character, make them follow rules, or know their manners- they do that all on your own. As parents, it is our job to make sure we teach them those manners, and when they don’t perform what they know- hold them accountable for their behavior.We’ll get into medicine administration safety in another entry. Suffice to say for now, always watch your child swallow their pills- so you don’t have a Sunday AM like I did, or worse yet, have another child take it instead.