Power Moms Unite

We live in an age when we are driven by our activities, be they for work or recreation. For the ADHD family, that activity drive often becomes intense distraction that ramps up stress levels in the home. Distracted by email, texting, internet surfing, the time to complete tasks is shortened. Family members are not truly present in their communication with each other, parents are viewing their Blackberries or perhaps, kids are playing their DS-Lites, as parents ask kids to finish chores or kids ask parents for help on a math problem. In the stress and confusion of completing our tasks amid all the distractions, real connection with those we love, is lost. Managing the activities, instead of the relationships, becomes more time efficient, than the perceived resource-draining route of stopping our activity to strategize and truly “be present” with family members. Ironically, taking this time to be fully present without the Blackberry, allows us to share with our family what we need as well as what we expect, enabling spouses and children to more quickly and accurately take out the trash, feed the dog, or get ready for a basketball practice.

“Being present” starts with you. Step away from the Blackberry. As a parent, we have to role model how to act.

1) Ask clarifying questions. Find out what is important to your child and why? Seek greater understanding of their point of view.

2) Make your opinions and expectations clearly known. Don’t leave kids uncertain about your opinion.  Silence is complicity and all kids but kids with ADHD especially, need to be told opinions, preferences, and expectations very explicitly. Make directions simple and direct and in a calm non-judgmental voice. Do not muddle a direction by making vague requests. Instead of saying “clean your room,” state “please pick-up the clothes off your floor and put them in the hamper.”

3) Take 10 seconds everyday and tell your child how you value them. Make your compliments specific and without if, ands, or buts. (i.e. “I love you so much. I am so proud when you talk kindly to your brother and ask him if you can help him. It shows me you care about your relationship with him.”)

4) Always say “thank you.” This is true in every relationship- be it business or personal. Always thank a child who helps, be the child or the task very small. It energizes the child to continue their cooperative spirit.

5) Give your child feedback. Let them know when you feel humored by them, inspired by them, supported by them, loved by them. Also let them know when you feel insulted, hurt, embarrassed, or taken for granted. Provide this feedback without blame or judgment. (i.e. “I feel taken for granted when I fold your laundry and you throw it all over your room, when you were suppose to be putting it away. I spent a lot of my time sorting and folding it and I feel like you don’t respect my time and effort when you do that.”) Just remember, your negative feedback will have greater impact when it is held against a field of honest positive feedback…so focus on the positive feedback.

6) Welcome and solicit feedback from your children. Put on your heavy overcoat before you do it. Model how to give feedback using the “I-statement.” “I feel…. when you do…. I would like you to do ….. instead of …… “

7) Take responsibility for your impact. Sincerely apologize when you hurt feelings (even if you think it is insignificant.)

8 ) Don’t assume. If you don’t understand a tone of voice, facial expression, or action, ask. This is especially helpful to kids with ADHD who may not be in touch with their emotions, or the messages their actions provide. Without blame or judgment, talk to them about their tone of voice or facial expression. Does the action match the emotion or their intent?

9) Speak from your heart. Dare to make mistakes. Parenting is messy business.