Power Moms Unite

I live with 5 wonderful children 4 of whom have ADHD, two of which also have ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Being an occupational therapist married to a wonderfully loving and witty man, who was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, ADHD was neither unfamiliar nor unmanageable. As a therapist, I knew how to arrange my house so it was organized. I knew how to follow a routine and keep it. Raised by strict parents, I knew how to be a consistent disciplinarian: I was the loving parent who provided structure, security and most of all, love to my busy growing boys and girl. My husband, aware of his tendency to be spontaneous and impulsive, looked to me to be the keel of our family boat and to coach him on following through on consequences, so he could be a consistent parent. We were and still are a fantastic team.
Nowhere, however, in my training or in my time working as an occupational therapist on spinal cord and head injury units in the inner city, or in my personal life experiences, did I prepare for living and managing ODD. In graduate school, I had learned ODD was a precursor to the very scary CD (Conduct Disorder.) Kids with CD, frequently end up in juvenile detention centers or worst yet, jail- and the stats support that. Those kids cursed, lied, and stole, and in the worst cast scenario, KILLED! Clearly, the circumstances in which they had been born had led to their demise- an abusive and impoverished environment, poor and uneducated parents.
You can imagine my fear when the beautiful children to whom I, “Miss Southern ‘Good Catholic’ Debutante” had given birth and nurtured into young childhood screamed, cursed, stole money from my wallet, threw books, and even put a fist through a window, when I set a limit. This was “rebellion,” turned extreme and aggressive. You can imagine my shock and grief, when multiple pediatricians and psychologists diagnosed my children with ADHD and ODD. My husband and I are both graduate school graduates, who successfully live in suburbia, who have close relationships with their families and many friends. I am schooled in behavior management and actively collaborate with my husband to be our best with each other and our kids. As a family we eat balanced diets full of organic veggies: we exercise regularly. We are consistent parents who deeply love our kids, who while making jokes about being “Facebook addicts,” are present and engaged with our kids.
Let me shed some light on the facts. According to CHADD’s Fact Sheet #5, forty percent of kids with ADHD also suffer from ODD. Ninety percent of kids with ADHD also have another diagnosis, such as learning difficulties, Tourette’s syndrome, Asperger’s syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD, and/ or sensory integration dysfunction. From my experience I would argue it is that second diagnosis that makes management of ADHD so overwhelming.
Managing kids with any special need is stressful, but ODD has a way of eating at the base of your reserves, at least it does for me. On the surface, these kids, at times look like they are simply spoiled or undisciplined. “A good swat on the bottom,” as my mother always said, “would do them well.” They impulsively lie and steal- actions that reflect character traits, I personally detest! They curse, repeatedly slam doors, and put hands through walls and windows, upsetting my civilized sensibilities and deep longing and expectation for a peaceful home. There are days, it takes every thread of my being to remain calm and coach through the screaming and insults.
For those of you reading this who have not experienced ODD, these kids struggle to find alternatives for defiant behavior when a limit is set. They are overwhelmed by their emotional reaction, and caught in a primal fight response. The more emotion you put in your parental response to their reaction, the more fight response they display. Parental responses must be short and unemotional, designed to keep everyone safe until calm can settle over all. It is only then, problem solving and modeling of positive self-talk can begin. These skills require significant parent training and a monumental change in parenting mindset, it takes unspeakable effort!
I share all this, to offer both support to all those parents out there who are struggling alone, silently, embarrassed and frightened to get help, as well as to enlighten those of you who think all this ADHD/ ODD stuff is about poor parenting. If my story resonates as true, an experience you have in your home, get help. Pursue your pediatrician; contact CHADD, contact area psychiatrists who work with kids. Get your child, your family and yourself help and support. The earlier you get help, the quicker you save everyone’s self esteem and the better the outcomes.
If you think ADHD and ODD is about bad parenting, dig a little deeper, reflect a little longer- I have been where you sit. It is comfortable to think that character, knowledge and education ensures a beautiful and peaceful family life. While I am certain those things move us closer to those family ideals, it does not guarantee it. Before you judge that family next door with the 6-year-old boy cursing at his mom over taking the trash out, stop and think. Don’t make assumptions or judgments. Seek greater understanding. Offer that mom a cup of coffee or a lunch out. I promise you, she loves her children intensely, is overwhelmed more times than she wants to admit, deeply concerned about her child’s future. She needs your support, understanding, and encouragement more than she can admit, even to herself.