Power Moms Unite

What are you doing today?  It is this simple statement that gets many of us planning our day.  Too often, however, we forget to share our plans with those with whom we live and work.  Problems arise when what we intent to do, conflicts with the plans of those around us!  This includes spouses, co-workers, and especially kids!

Kids, whether they communicate it or not, make plans just like us, adults.  They have hopes and plan for their days off, weekends, or vacations.  They expect to “have fun,” they expect to see their best friend at the basketball game, they expect to have pizza for Friday night dinner.  When those expectations are not met, many kids may sound a “hur-rumph,” but the unhappiness and disappointment largely ends there, as they rearrange their expectations and focus on other aspects of their weekend to make themselves content.  But for other kids, the disappointment leads to angry outbursts or hysterical tears.  These kids have not yet developed the skills needed to overcome disappointments.  They do not know how to rethink things to find a silver lining.  They need a script or menu for appropriate reactions to frustration and disappointment.

Kids with ADHD carry a double-whammy when it comes to plans and expectations.  Not only can they have a hard time managing frustration and handling disappointment, but as kids who have executive functioning deficits (difficulty planning and organizing), they struggle when they don’t have a clear plan or routine to know what is expected.  Without a plan or knowing the “rules,” kids with ADHD go where their interests take them.  They often act without planning or thinking through the consequences.  Pair this with the busy schedule of adult life, that may not have been clearly communicated, and it has the potential of creating a nightmare, that pits you and your child in a massive power struggle.

Fortunately, there is a strategy that is useful for managing expectations so we can joyfully live together!  Pre-scripting is a script for future events.  It is” written” in a conversation that ends with a verbal contract between you and your child about what behavior and/or event can be expected and what consequences (good and bad) will follow if the script is or is not followed.

Pre-scripting for a day:
1)    REVIEW: Sit down at the beginning of the day with your family and review the calendar of events for the day.
2)    ASK: Ask family members what plans they have, that are not already in the schedule.
3)    PLAN: Write down all plans AKA “the script.”  Negotiate what is possible and what is not.  Be realistic with yourself.  Do not attempt to cram everything into your day.  Agree on what will and will not be included.
4)    CONSEQUENCES: Build-in a reward for following the “script.”  Rewards should be activities that enhance your relationship with each other- for example, an extra bedtime book, time on the Wii together, watching and discussing a favorite TV show together. Then, clearly state the consequences for not following the “script.”  You may only need to say, “we won’t get our reward if we don’t follow our script,” or you may have to warn your child that they may have to lose a privilege for not following the script.  It depends on your child.
5)    PLEDGE: Have everyone involved verbally repeat the plan, and then promise to follow it.  Make-up a silly family pledge to seal the deal…”I promise to stop my train, kiss my brain, and be the best McLane.”  Make up your own rhyme…

Pre-scripting behavior for an event:
1)    REVIEW: Discuss what is likely to take place at the event.  For example, we are going to Grand mom’s house for dinner.  There will be turkey, mashed potatoes and collard greens for dinner, and pumpkin pie for dessert.
2) ASK: Ask your child about problems they anticipate.  Suggest problem areas you imagine or anticipate.  For example, I know you don’t like collard greens.  How should we handle that?
3) PLAN: Develop a plan to address the anticipated problems.  For example, suggest to your child, “instead of saying  ‘yuck, I hate those,’ say ‘no thank you, but I would love more mashed potatoes.’”
4)    CONSEQUENCES: Plan a reward that you can do with your child, if they follow the script.  For example, if you calmly follow our plan that includes sitting quietly at dinner without making negative comments about the meal, when we get home we can play on the Wii together for an hour.
5)  PLEDGE: Have everyone verbally repeat the plan back to you, and then promise to follow it.  Make-up a silly family pledge to seal the deal…

Give these ideas a try the next time you discover yourself in a power struggle.  It can really bring down the intensity in your home and make you more productive with your time together as a family.  Please feel free to leave comments and let us know how it goes with your pre-scripted plan!