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Michael Phelps: ADHD Parenting Parable
As I readied myself yesterday morning, looking for ESPN to relay griping Super Bowl details, I was sadly shocked to see a picture of Michael Phelps smoking pot from a bong. My thoughts immediately drifted not to Michael’s loss endorsement deals but to his mom. I met her several months ago at a Mom Ambassador event where she relayed her journey to recognize and then manage her son’s ADHD. She talked about his trials with medicine, his struggle in the classroom, and her mission to advocate for him, to help him find something that he would excel at doing. Well, we all know how successful she was!
As I have met parents managing ADHD, I am always struck by the journey we all seem to be taking- each of us in a different place, altered by our experiences, our conversations, the books we’ve read, the professionals we’ve met, the teachers with which we’ve collaborated, the list goes on and on. I don’t always agree with these parents’ opinions, but I usually recognize where they are on the journey and feel empathy for where they are in their voyage through parenthood with ADHD. When I met Debbie Phelps, I admit I was disappointed that she seemed to brag about how Michael had stopped taking medicine at 9. The confidence with which she spoke and the advise she gave about how simply funneling Michael’s energy into swimming had allowed him to overcome ADHD, seemed elitist and oversimplified.
Despite the over simplification, I could not deny she had a very successful son who appeared to have “overcome ADHD.” I could not deny there might be mom-lessons to learn from her experiences. Clearly the level of exercise Michael was getting during his training sessions had been his medication for ADHD- the research supports that. Was exercise not a safer alternative to stimulants? It is natural. I began to think, could I funnel my crew into enough sports to keep them active enough so their brains could create the chemicals needed to offset the speed at which their current neurotransmitters where re-absorbed? With 5 kids, was it feasible? And with co-morbid diagnoses like ODD, could I set up an adequate reward plan to get them regularly training an adequate amount so they could have academic and social success? Could I do all this while still working? Could I afford not to work?
I know this next statement will put me in hot water with all you naturalists out there- who would never but chemicals in their child’s brain- but consider the whole picture before you call me a poor mother. My family still takes stimulant medication (and omega-3 vitamins.) I could not and still cannot figure out how I could be consistent enough with exercise training and still give my kids time to do homework and pursue other activities, like playing a musical instrument or participating in scouts. As the kids put it to me, “Mom we want to do more than just play sports.” When I look at how much self-affirmation my daughter has gained from playing her musical instruments, practicing so hard that she made an elite band- all that time would have to spent being a mediocre (at best) athlete- while her brain might have been stimulant-free, she would have lost opportunities that really give her joy, self-confidence, and success- something that even Debbie Phelps was looking for when she funneled her son into swimming.
So we made this decision as a family to continue our stimulant therapy and I have quietly prayed I made the best decision, knowing that I was giving my children opportunities to develop other aspects of themselves but hoping the potential damage to their long term growth was minimal. This brings us to yesterday morning with Michael Phelps and his bong. I wondered what his mom is saying to him and to herself- I wonder because she is further along this parenting journey and because I question my decisions, and because I know I would have been hugging my swimmer-son while I yelled! Does she feel she is looking at the consequences of her decisions, like we all will eventually…as a mom who cares deeply about my children and their success as human beings, my heart aches for her a bit- because I know she cares so deeply too! I wondered if she has regrets and where are the lessons for the rest of us, who are not famous, who do not have famous sons?
I know as a parent educator, that the use of drugs among kids who take stimulant medication is lower than kids with ADHD, who do not take stimulants. I wonder if lack of training as Michael has toured the world for his endorsement deals has led to a “flair up of his ADHD.” It underlines many points- first, ADHD really is a livelong condition, it’s caused by brain chemistry- it doesn’t simply go away in middle school, high school or even college. Second, ADHD can be successfully managed in a multitude of ways including exercise and/or stimulant medication. And finally, the Phelps story screams that our job as parents is never done. I wonder if Michael’s mom called him yesterday and asked him to come home and talk, regroup? Did she even realize that the impulsive act of taking a hit from that marijuana bong that would potentially jeopardize millions of endorsement deals and his future in swimming might be connected to his ADHD? I hope so. I guess my take away message from this modern day parable is there are many ways to successfully manage ADHD, but never forget it is a livelong commitment to its successful management- something we have to teach to our kids, as well as remember ourselves.
Posted: February 3rd, 2009 under ADHD PowerMom's Journal.
Comments: 7
Comments
Comment from Gina Pera
Time: February 4, 2009, 3:34 am
Excellent piece, thoughtfully written. I fully appreciate the parents’ dilemma It seems as though you giving your children a knowledgeable and loving start in life!
I hate to say “I told ya so” in regards to this Phelps bong fiasco, but really, anyone who knows ADHD and could get a feel for Michael’s personal version of it could pretty much see it coming. Once all the mothering, coaching, training, and keeping on track let up, it was back on the ADHD Roller Coaster. Photos of him grabbing half-nude girls in Vegas, sucking a bong. What next.
I just think of all these kids with ADHD who were so inspired by him — and by parents who were well, sorta, shamed by his mother’s claims that rather than medication, channeling the child’s passion was the key. Maybe, but what about when his passions run amok, and momma can keep throwing him in the pool?
Dopamine flows on the anticipation of reward — not the actual reward. And what could be more rewarding to a kid who’s been made fun of for his ADHD — “I’ll show them!” (his words, paraphrasing). And what could be more rewarding for a mom whose been told her precious son has a disorder — “I’ll show them” (her words). Revenge. It’s a powerful motivator for the limbic system.
Moreover, the weaker a one’s prefrontal cortex function, the weaker one’s sense of self. The PFC is where our sense of self develops. Not just our self-esteem, but our very sense of self.
So, it seems that Phelps’ motivation might have involved a double-whammy of needing to constantly chase reward (dopamine) and receive constant and significant validation as a person (outer rewards to make up for lack of inner contentedness). Plus there’s the “revenge.”
It’s hard to say how I would feel as a mother to someone like Michael Phelps. But I would hope I’d do all I could to give him a chance to create happiness and fulfillment in life based on a strong inner sense of self and an ability to be happy with less than several million bucks and lots of fame.
And from what I’ve seen, for kids with ADHD, that often means getting solid treatment for them, so they can build their lives on a more solid foundation and clearer choices.
Even John Ratey, in his book Spark, says that while exercise can certainly help the brain function of people with ADHD (and everyone else!), in most cases it won’t mean the person can completely eliminate medication but reduce it.
If any of that makes sense.
tx
Gina Pera, author
Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
Comment from Maddy
Time: February 4, 2009, 9:17 pm
Yup, we all keep learning, thank goodness.
Best wishes
Comment from Susan Giurleo
Time: February 4, 2009, 9:34 pm
I’m not sure we can attribute Michael’s smoking pot to ADHD, his mother’s choice of “treatment,” or any other factors unless we have met and talked with him ourselves. Many, many young people with or without ADHD smoke pot.
I don’t judge Michael, his mom or anyone else in his life. Not sure feeling the need to say “I told you so” is at all relevant or helpful. I’m sure the adults in Michael’s life all did the best they could when he was young and will try to to continue to support him as best they can now.Clearly he loves swimming and competing. You could see it on his face in every race. Just as you chose to give your child the tools to pursue her dreams and gifts, so too did Debbie Phelps. He just happened to have one strong interest.
I hope those of us who work with people affected by ADHD know better than to attribute his current transgression to a simple diagnosis, or whether or not he takes medication.
Susan Giurleo, PhD
http://www.childdevelopmentpartners.com
Comment from Gina Pera
Time: February 5, 2009, 12:26 pm
I understand your sentiments, Susan. But when Mrs. Phelps chose to accept endorsement money from a pharma company and to speak with authority on ADHD, that’s where she made herself a public figure.
Perhaps only those of us on the front lines, dealing with worried parents’ queries after hearing that Mrs. Phelps’ philosophy was to avoid medication and help her child “find his passsion,” understand how dangerous a message this was for many who were confused and uncertain. After all, he won gold medals; she must be right, right?
Sure, we can’t attribute one incident to untreated ADHD, but first there was the DUI (which does occur at a higher rate with untreated ADHD), then the photos of him groping nalf-naked girls in Vegas post-Olympics, then not only smoking from the bong but allowing himself to be photographed doing so and thus risking the millions of dollars in endorsements he worked so hard to gain? If it walks like ADHD, talks like ADHD, etc.
My point is that he and his mom had promoted the idea of “avoiding medication, finding your passion.” Little kids with ADHD looked up to him. They thought he knew what he was talking about. Now they seem him sucking on a bong — not only illegal but, given the outrageously high levels of THC in today’s marijuana, pretty darn stupid, especially when one already has a neurocognitive disorder that impairs working memory and all the rest.
If they’d never advocated for this kind of “ADHD treatment,” you’re right; it’d be nobody’s business. But they did, and it is, IMHO.
Gina
Comment from Kayla Fay
Time: February 5, 2009, 12:49 pm
Your post struck such a chord with me. I loved that you would hug your child and yell at the same time.
Your commitment to doing what is best for your children – each as an individual – is evident in your every word. I identify with that nagging feeling of hoping you have done the right thing. But don’t you think that we all feel like this – no matter what we do?
Comment from Dr Charles Parker
Time: March 7, 2009, 5:03 am
Great discussion over here on this important topic.
Two additional thoughts:
1. The pressure of Mom’s denial regarding the usefulness of proper use of medications remains pandemic, as even professional ADHD shooters aim at imprecise targets with less than specific objectives. Common practice has simply not caught up with the new findings in brain and body science, with the terrible result that side effects and unpredictable outcomes are far too common. These vagaries feed the fire of denial with further imprecision – and encourage many to forgo proper treatment.
2. A further point from my ongoing notes: ADHD presents as a ‘Disorder of Context.’ I have written several pieces on the context of ‘Those Wrecked by Success’ over at CorePsychBlog – using the foundation of a ‘character’ paper [same title] by Freud as the foundation for that post – commenting on the change in reality, the change in context, that occurs with success.
With ADHD, especially untreated ADHD, the brain’s executive function can be simply overwhelmed by the new variables, and the decreased structure in that new, successful context of reality. The frontal lobes short circuit, and primary drives just take over.
When his context of reality changed from practice structure and predictability to much less structure and multiple variables – then within the context of ‘when you are successful’ you are ‘OK’ – this is often a setup for a precipitous unhappy fall.
Now he needs to grow up and think for himself to escape the family denial.
Tx for the comments,
Chuck
Comment from betsy davenport, phd
Time: March 7, 2009, 6:37 am
I am coming on this a month later, but am struck by the anguish of the writer. I certainly know anguish, as I have more than one sufferer in my house. Our lives are filled with anguish on a too-regular basis. What we don’t have is guilt, at least not about medications. Other things, occasionally. There is not an activity in the world that engages most people the way swimming engages Michael Phelps.
In addition to the physical exercise, the swimming life is marked by schedules, routine, a coach all the time, food – he ate lots of food, lots of calories, and many low-nutrient items, a strict schedule from morning to night and required sleep. Who among us hasn’t a need for that?
Young people also can manage to get through their days without doing laundry – especially if your wardrobe consists mainly of swimming trunks. And, who cooked all that food for him? Made sure he got where he needed to go, on time?
I am not criticizing Michael Phelps, but I am pointing out that swimming prowess such as his equips him for regular life no better than the activities of other young people, and potentially less, if they have the time to practice their daily living skills.
It has been illuminating that the AD/HD world, celebrating him as their own personal hero just after he won those medals, has been virtually silent since he was photographed smoking marijuana. Some claimed his AD/HD was a factor in his success at swimming. My favorite 16 year old said that was unfortunate, since it fails to attribute that success to him. While some said Phelps used his AD/HD to win, this same 16 year old cautioned that maybe he swims that well not because of AD/HD, but in spite of it.
And, now that the golden boy of AD/HD organizations has publicly done something decidedly un-golden, it isn’t a stretch to suggest his pot smoking is attributable to his AD/HD, too. And to say he’s like everyone else who smokes dope is to ignore that he had much more at stake than the average 23 tear old, and seems to imply that he smokes it in spite of his AD/HD. Pretty illogical.
But I take the DUI (and most people caught driving drunk have done so about ten times and not gotten caught), the outrageous behavior in Vegas (not everyone who goes to Vegas acts like that), at the parties he attended at the school where the now famous picture was taken, and now the bong, and say, “The young man is at the mercy of his unsupervised brain, and, “Where are his celebrants, now?”
The 16-year-old wise person said, as soon as she saw the news about the incident, “Hey mom. Michael Phelps is self medicating.” She herself has taken medication for AD/HD for the last nine years.
She has had a few conversations with her mother about drugs and alcohol and such. Asked her own thoughts about it, she has said she didn’t take to the idea much since it was hard enough to get her brain to work and do her bidding; that adding an unregulated, unpredictable chemical to her brain didn’t seem smart.
She went on to say that with all of that, she is interested, in a curious sort of way, but not hell-bent to try anything. To that her mother said, “Well, I imagine you will try it out sometime and though I think the illegality of it is as worrisome as anything, if you decide to do it, I’d like for you to let me know so I can be on duty if you need me for anything.”
So far, so good. She has also said if it weren’t for medication, she would have no friends, and called this not-a-gift condition, The Scourge. Frankly, I think a youngster who is knowledgeable and serious about a serious disorder is miles ahead of a lot of people who haven’t a clue, AD/HD or not.
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