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Teaching Management of the Expense of ADHD
Yesterday, my 9 year old put a CD in the microwave to see if it would glow like it did on Myth Busters. Last week, my six year old threw his Ugly Doll at his brother, missed and smashed the hall chandelier- it was apparently some throw. Last month, my six and 13 year olds had a caulk battle in my garage that left caulk smeared on bricks, cars and hair. These are only a few of the highlights in a series of gaffs, including the stuffed animals tied to the boy’s bedroom ceiling fan, multiple doors slammed so hard they cracked and permanently loosened the door knobs, to the kitchen drawer slammed so sharply the front came off- I admit to that one- it was either the drawer or a child- I picked the drawer. Anyway, all of this points to the added expense of maintaining a house when you live with kids and adults with ADHD. Lets face it, having ADHD is expensive.
I’ll be honest, abuse of the house, though I am guilt of it as well as the kids, really upsets me, for two reasons. First there is the morality of it. Somewhere in the pit of my being is the belief that how you treat and respect property is reflective of how you treat and respect yourself and others- so you can imagine how upset I have become as the emotional outbursts and science experiments gone awry have left the house looking unkempt, with small dents in walls, cabinets, and the dishwasher door. I want my house to be a sanctuary for us all- do sanctuaries have cracked and broken doors and lamps, bricks smeared with caulk? Maybe?….
The second thing that upsets me about the “house abuse,” as I have come to term it, is it is one long constant expense. No matter how hard we try as a group, something is always broken or lost. The other week, we finally broke down and bought a new set of flatware after one child admitted to throwing out several utensils to avoid washing them and another child admitted to losing several forks at school, after taking them to eat their lunch. We were down to 4 spoons and 6 forks, for a family of 7. (For the record, I keep plastic utensils and junk silverware with the lunch containers- so kids can take utensils- just don’t take the good stuff, has always been the rule.)
So where I am going with this rant? Well, I was in a real tailspin after the microwave and the chandelier- I was very angry with my children. I am sure some of my anger was about fearing for kids’ safety, but I also felt like they fundamentally took their house for granted (a real grievance in the wake of today’s mortgage crisis.) Reflecting on their actions through a disability perspective however, I can now see how all these “abuses” were really the result of impulsive acts, not acts meant to show disrespect or entitlement. I had to face the fact that much of my anger was actually the result of feeling overwhelmed by the constant bedlam and cost they created, lest the damage not be repaired and the house continue to fall into disrepair.
After several long conversations with my husband, in which we examined our roles in the mess, we realized there were three issues to be addressed. Below is the list. Click on each heading for the plan and guidelines we are using to address the concerns.
2) How do you repair a rift after a series of mistakes?
3) How do you fiscally manage breaking and losing objects and possessions?
These 3 issues are large pieces to tackle, and I don’t recommend approaching them all at once. While tempting, trying to address too many issues at once, may lead you to abandon the project before it gets off the ground. Consider starting with just one issue, teach it and model it, before focusing on the next issue. It will make you feel good when you have completed a step and encourage you to continue the process of teaching these massive life lessons on money and ADHD management.
Illustration by Keith Noordzy, http://keithnoordzy.blogspot.com
Posted: February 27th, 2009 under ADHD PowerMom's Journal, Values Parenting.
Comments: 4
Comments
Comment from Debra Sale Wendler – Respect Effect Mom
Time: February 27, 2009, 8:29 am
Good morning. Thank you for this article. Have a suggestion. Although a noble idea, an automatic savings plans does not teach your children the value of a dollar. That may be why they are not respecting their belongings and yours.
ONLY when a dollar equals a certain amount of time of their sustained effort will it mean something. That is why I recommend a token system with which you can PAY for chores beyond those required by each child as their contribution to the home upkeep. And for good behavior.
At the end of the week, these tokens are redeemed for allowance in a PAYDAY event. Suddenly those two dollars equal washing the dog and helping Janie wash the car.
My kids washed my car by hand each week for many years and had a BLAST doing it. And raked leaves. Son mowed the yard. Daughter fertilized the gardens.
As a result they both have healthy savings accounts AND a healthy attitude about money.
Apologies are another topic. I have a step-by-step system for teaching children to apologize that you will LOVE. The secret is in using feeling words AFTER you teach them. And you can teach them easily with a fun family game. 
I teach parents how to help their children who need MORE than typical parenting to behave.
And let’s start continue this conversation.
Sincerely yours in parenting success,
Debra Sale Wendler – Respect Effect Mom
http://www.respecteffectpublishing.com
Comment from candace
Time: February 27, 2009, 9:37 am
Debra- You make a good point. I failed to place this idea in the full context of what occurs bi-weekly at my house. All of my kids are responsible for 4 daily chores, each of which they are paid a quarter. They track their chore completion on our home web page, which tabulates totals daily and weekly. Every other week- okay, more like monthly, we sit down and document their allowance money into a family bank (AKA cigar box with ledgers for each child.) At this time each child pools their money into 3 pots- one for charity, one for expenses (like clothes- they responsible for buying their clothes after their 8th birthday- and activity equipment), and one for savings. They write it all down in the ledgers and then we do a bank run to deposit their savings pot of cash. Their savings is alot like our 401ks- to withdrawal money, half must be given to us (the government): in reality we redeposit it into an education savings account for them. We also have a job bank – a job list in which we negotiate prices for big projects needing to be completed around the house, which helps defray damage costs and helps them pay for extra expensive sport and camping equipment.
The online systems is more for the parents than the kids- because the money does have to come from somewhere. Typically, kids with ADHD live in families with ADHD. ADHD is highly inheritable and often parents are undiagnosed or parents are diagnosed but struggle to help their child with executive planning tasks, like money management- because it is their weak suit too! I can say that because I live there!
The online banking idea is designed to make savings and planning more automated. Token systems are nightmarish for ADHD families- we lose the tokens, forget to track them, and eventually give up! Our family cash strategy is concrete and the kids are responsible for tracking their chores- I remind them to log-in for chores, but the tracking and management is minimal- by design. We play to our strengths and minimize our weaknesses- automated savings works for us!
Debate and conversation is always welcome. I thank you for forcing me to clarify what works for my ADHD family.
Respectfully,
Candace McLane, MA
adhdpowermom
http://www.powermomsunite.com
Comment from Whitney
Time: March 4, 2009, 10:54 am
I think we have to apologize from time to time if our reaction was over the top, but we also have to let them know why we are angry and disappointed. I use this “Social Autopsy” approach I picked up from Rick Lavoie, to try to get my kids to understand and appreciate my point of view as well. I also think it’s appropriate for them to know the value of the money it takes to replace these things, and make them help out, work of the debt, pay for some of it out of their allowance, shovel walks, whatever- just to learn the responsibility thing.
Having 2 ADHD kids, I got so sick of the “It was an accident” and “I didn’t mean it” and “it seemed like a good idea at the time” stuff. I had to explain to them that even if I got into a car accident, I still had to be responsible for the aftermath. I tell them a quote from Paul Newman- “You can do anything as long as you are prepared for the consequences.” And that means being accountable for your decisions, good and bad.
Our kids will be impulsive. Especially off the meds, they will make some goofy decisions that make us frustrated and angry. The house will continually take dings. The best advice to to focus on the remedy, not the blame- they can’t change the past- they can only change the future. And that’s a hard thing to remember when you just are so frustrated you want to scream.
Power move- help them brain storm solutions for the problem, so they learn from it. They are also usually tougher on themselves than you might ever be.
Comment from Kathleen Christensen
Time: April 10, 2009, 11:31 am
Lots of good ideas! Thanks! Glad I’ve found your blog–will put it in my reader.
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