Power Moms Unite

ODD episodes at my house look a lot like a truck run amuck- running without brakes, racing past waving construction crews and bright lights blinking “Danger: Road Ends”- all paths ending at a deep gorge. To be honest though, I don’t think the diagnosis matters, kids not coping well all look about the same, and makes the family equally miserable- what matters is sorting though the strategies that can be used as parents to make our family lives, more than livable, but make our homes a loving sanctuary for our entire family.

For our crew, one fundamental paradigm shift we have had to make to keep our trucks off the cliff is a shift we have found to be both simplistic in phrasing but challenging to live: all people will “do well”, if they can. It is the premise of Ross Greene’s work on problem solving. It is a fundamental belief that people are good and want to be successful and loved. When they aren’t acting in a way that will get them love and success, it is because they lack the skills to act in a way that will gain them love and positive reinforcement. When a person does not have the skills to problem solve and achieve in a positive way, they use what skills they do have to get any reinforcement. If they can’t be successful in a positive way, they revert to any way they can feel success, even if it is considered negative or bad by the rest of society -their family and school.

It has taken a long parenting journey with two children with ODD as well as the bravery to confront the soundtrack from my childhood, and honesty to admit my own role in my child’s behavior, to see there are times when I push my child’s out-of-control-truck by either ignoring the warning signs of trouble coming OR by overreacting and becoming inflexible myself. This is where the challenge lies- looking out our roles in our family dynamics. At times, I demonstrate poor problem-solving skills because I am stressed or distracted. Whether it was my own mother’s voice in my head, saying “that child needs a good swat on the bottom,” or my husband’s voice in my head of “when are we going to get that child in line,” or my simply my own struggle to be a parent when I needed to finish an email or finish a phone call, “why can’t they leave me some peace to finish my work,” all of it contributes to my failure to act in a positive direction- to problem solve. I have learned I have skills to learn – to confront my soundtrack and identify my triggers so I can pre-script my reactions, and calm myself so I am prepared to teach the same skills to my child! I need my child to learn to soothe and calm themselves- so they can experience peace and personal success.

In Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s Kids Parents and Power Struggles, she discusses how conflicts between temperaments within a family can energize power struggles and battles. She defines temperament as the style of an individual. The style is defined by 7 components including persistence, sensitivity, adaptability, intensity, regularity, activity level and first reaction.

Sensitive people notice subtle smells and noises: scratchy wool sweaters and misaligned socks bother them. They notice the temperature of a room, and if it is too cool or too hot, may become irritable. Extreme weather, scratchy sweaters, humming light bulbs, and the odd label do not bother insensitive people. They can happily play basketball without a coat or even a shirt outside in the winter.

Quick adapting kids and adults love novel things, they are energized by surprises, change and adventure. They can get up and get dressed without a problem and leave a play date without incident. Kids who adapt slowly need extra time to settle at night, have trouble leaving a friend’s house, and may struggle when the itinerary for the day is not followed.

An individual’s persistence can vary from being able to easily shift from one activity to becoming very upset when asked to stop or change what they are doing.  Persistent people find it difficult to stop their activities. They are easily frustrated by interruptions; they want to finish their tasks. These folks wake up with a plan of their own for the day. Individuals lower on the persistence spectrum are not bothered by interruptions. They can accept no for an answer and can easily stop what they are doing to do something else.

Intensity in temperament refers to an individual’s emotion level. Intense people are easily frustrated; they experience emotion very deeply and intensely and it can be unexpected emotion. They can struggle to let go of an emotion easily. Less intense temperaments are not as easily frustrated, and do not get upset as quickly or as intensely.

Regularity refers to bodily needs. Temperaments that have a high degree of regularity need to eat at specific times, tend to wake at the same time regardless of when they went to bed, and can’t imagine skipping meals. Less regular temperaments graze on food throughout the day and frequently skip meals. If left alone, they would wake at a different time each day.

Activity level is fairly self-evident. Highly active temperaments seem always on the go. They frequently fidget, walk briskly, and find sitting for a long time exhausting. Low activity level individuals don’t regularly exercise and can sit quiet for an extended time.

The final component of temperament, according Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is how an individual initially reacts to something, how impulsive are they? Do they jump right into new activities or do they prefer to sit and watch? Cautious individuals may refuse to initially participate in an activity, even if it was their idea.

For our family, identifying these temperaments for everyone in our house has helped us begin to understand our triggers and live the concept- we all do well if we can. We are slower to anger because we do not immediately assume a family member’s anger is about us, as much as a problem to solve, an individual’s struggle to manage their temperament.  For some in my family, the temperature of the house or a missed meal can set the stage for losing one’s cool- though they may not be fully aware that that is what has triggered their bad mood. We do our best to teach about managing the issues- for my sensitive guys, I explain why it is so important to dress for the weather and eat their meals, regardless of what their “insensitive-temperamented” older brother is doing- he is a different person with a different temperament.  Older brother has to work on acknowledging his persistence and how it can trigger intense emotion for him.  He has to learn the skills to manage his anger.   Each person is different and is responsible for understanding their temperament and learning the skills (with help from parents and teachers) to manage the resulting triggers.

For others, myself included, it has been our high persistence that can trigger irritability and set the stage for trucks over cliffs. We focus on knowing, for those of us with high persistence,  it is hard to stop what we started- but that there are times we must. Any anger about the interruption is about our temperament not about the messenger. Just having that self-knowledge makes everyone less likely to explode. Together we are learning phrasing like, “Excuse me …, I know I am interrupting, but I need to talk to you in a few minutes.” The act of acknowledging the interruption has become a cue to the receiver that they need to stop and recognize that any anger about stopping is about their temperament, not the poor messenger. Giving a few minutes notice, ‘I need to talk to you in a few minutes,” also helps prepare the family member that struggles with transitions.

Knowing our temperaments, knowing we are all trying to “do well” and appreciating each other’s differences in temperament helps create a more understanding house.  By knowing the temperaments, and then teaching ourselves about each other-all have begun to have greater understanding and appreciation of our triggers and accelerators. From that base, problem solving has and does begin. I encourage you to spend some time thinking about your own family’s temperament.  You may be surprised to discover that the child who is always battling over the Saturday morning agenda is a child who is much like their parent, persistence has met persistence.

We have not solved world peace yet, but fewer trucks go over our cliff.  I am starting to become a more patient mother and spouse.  I know where the pitfalls are in my day and in myself, making it a bit easier to pre-script my answers to situations, hopefully making me a better wife, better mother, better daughter, and better friend. We are all doing the best that we can.