Creating Your Family Scafolding: Building a Support Network

It takes a village to raise any child; but for families managing ADHD, it often takes the the village, suburbs, and most of the countryside.  Kids managing ADHD need more support, guidance, empathy, and understanding than the average child, to achieve success. Parents too, need more empathy and support than most, as the limitations these families manage are largely invisible, stereotypically associated with misfit behavior, resulting from poor parent coaching.

Any parent who has ridden the emotional rollercoaster of ADHD, knows all the coaching you can offer as a single parenting voice is not as powerful as a consistent message from a whole community. Case in point, a class of unsupportive, unchecked, mean-spirited children, can send a singled-out child’s self-esteem plummeting, despite that child’s parents encouragement and support from home; conversely, a scoutmaster role-modeling the value of seeking understanding of others, can lead scouts to be more patient, seeking to find that troublesome scout’s strengths.  As a result that child can have some positive experiences and build confidence that can bleed over into academic pursuits and future scout experiences.

How do you create this environment of support?  Just as scaffolding is erected around buildings, so scaffolding can be erected around a family.

1. Start with finding parenting support.

• Talk to your pediatrician, psychologist, or developmental specialist about reputable reading materials regarding ADHD.
• Attend an area parenting support group for parents of children with ADHD.  Contact CHADD for local chapter information.
• Consult your school’s guidance counselor re: area support groups.  Often these groups have members, who are parents from your school district or school, that can be a great personal support.
• Attend an ADHD conference, a few are even held on-line.

2. Create an empathetic culture in and around your family.  Your family and their actions are powerful.  Your actions toward fellow parents and their children speak volumes about how you parent.  Role model how you expect your child to be treated, by treating your parenting peers’ children as you want your child treated.

3. Openly discuss and educate parents in your parenting circle regarding ADHD (leave your kids out of the conversation.) Share interesting, factual accurate information about ADHD from reputable sources.  This generalized discussion allows you to gauge fellow parents openness to seek greater understanding about the differences in the people around them.

4. Coach adults in your parenting village about the importance of balancing a disability perspective against valuable learning experiences gained by living the natural consequences of actions.  Adults, who do not fully understand the nature of the personal ADHD journey your child has taken, can be easily annoyed by the advocating parent, who insists that other adults give a child with ADHD greater latitude for seemingly minor misbehavior.  Preemptively disable this uncompromising thought process, by openly discussing your challenge to balance the therapeutic benefit of experiencing consequences for actions versus having a another negative unsuccessful experience.

• Create a balanced collaborative plan with coaches, scout leaders, youth group leaders, teachers, and extra-curricular teachers, in which you are an active participant.  Your active participation will send the message that you are willing to contribute to the community, and care that other the community members’ (other students, scouts) needs are met as well as your own child’s special needs.  Focus on creating a win-win scenario, in which both your family needs and the community’s needs are met.
• Ask clarifying questions, when you don’t understand a tone, facial expression, or intent of another adult or child.  So much is communicated in body language, but we can misinterpret it if we do not have a full context- which includes thoughts in some else’s head. Mind reading is dirrespectful and leads to conflict.  Ask questions!

5. Don’t be afraid of failure or conflict.  We grow and learn from conflict and failure, if handle supportively.  Always debrief with your child, and co-parent, when interactions with the community don’t go well.

• What went well? why?
• What went badly? why?
• What was said? done?
• What could have been a better response?
• Where assumptions made?  What were they?
• What questions could have been asked to avoid misunderstanding?
• What strategies could have been used to create a win-win scenario?

6. Finally, introduce the power of repentance.

• Acknowledging mistakes, and demonstrating a willingness to change is critical to gaining empathy from a community.  Teach your children how to apologize.
• Encourage children to own a mistake before someone recognizes it.  This demonstrates honesty and  a willingness to take responsibility for their actions.  Everyone enjoys working with people who are accountable for their actions!

 

Related Posts:

6 Friends Every ADHD Mom Needs 

 

 

 

 

One Response to “Creating Your Family Scafolding: Building a Support Network”

1. Fannie Zimba says:

   August 26, 2011 at 1:11 am

   Being a marriage counselor myself, I appreciate your blog post. Thanks.