Yes, I really have had a 3 year old swing from the kitchen chandelier, let alone had fan blades thrown from a moving ceiling fan while stuffed animals were tied to its blades. I have had my 6 and 9 year olds race each other up twin 50 foot evergreens, only to wave to me from the top of those swaying trees, as I stood at a second story window scanning the yard for them. My kids bite when their angry with each other, and no they aren’t three, they’re nine and seven. My six year old has jumped in a pool fully clothed, overwhelmed by excitement to see his friends already in the pool. My kids tell me they hate me, even curse at me, in one moment and can’t stop hugging me in the next. These same kids have enthusiasm that is infectious. They have a love of learning as well as a love for people and life. They can read three books at the same time and keep the story lines straight. They can focus on a science project, and spend a full weekend researching excruciatingly complex details about planets. They can do elaborate math problems in their heads. They love intensely, smiling and greeting classmates’ mothers as warmly as they greet me. They have a can-do attitude, no matter the obstacle so obviously in their path. They love life to its fullest…So my point?

Depending on how you view it, attention deficit disorder might set our family apart from most, settling a cloud of angry frustration and misunderstanding over us all as we struggle to rein in impulses, control our tempers, and stay focused on a boring task. Let’s face it, most families who have never experienced attention deficit disorder, see those of us who have, as lazy, inconsistent, undisciplined parents of loud and wildly unruly kids. It’s hard to remain upbeat and positive when your peers convey such low opinions of your kids and your parenting abilities.

I’m here to reassure you. Attention deficit is not the end of your world or your child’s. It does not mean they grow up and end in jail, the conclusion I came to when one of my children was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. Every child and family has some obstacle to overcome, some weakness to be managed, some personality flaw to be “tweeked.” In our case, its ADHD and all the loud outbursts, broken windows, lost paper, misread directions, pulled fire alarms, and forgotten homework that goes with it. Our issues are often displayed publicly, making those issues difficult to neatly swept under the proverbial rug. Our issues take a tremendous amount of skill to manage. Like a diabetic who has to learn how to monitor his blood, manage his diet, modify his exercise routine, we as parents, have to teach our children how to manage their disease, ADHD. We have to modify how we do things, how we organize, how much we chose to pursue as a family, or as an individual, all in an effort to manage this disease. We have to accept it, adapt to minimize it’s damaging effects, and then achieve to our potential, both parent and child. The goal of this site is to help you learn about ADHD and empower you to manage ADHD, so you can experience your children and your own life as joyful. There may be no joy in having ADHD, but there is joy in mastering the management of it, for both parent and child!

How many times have you gotten a phone call from school, in which an overly polite almost timid voice said “Ahhh, Mrs. M., ahhh, your daughter appears to be struggling this morning…. Ahh, did your daughter take her medicine, this morning?”  Suddenly, you are filled with dread and guilt….guilt that you got distracted and forgot to give out medicine, guilt that you let your child struggle so publically with her fidgeting, calling out, or dreaminess.  You are filled with dread as you now need to run home and then to school to deliver her medicine, or worst yet, the dread that no medicine relief is possible- you cannot leave work or are out of the vicinity of school and home…

As you prepare paperwork for the coming school year, including those medical examination forms, consider having your pediatrician complete a “permission for distribution of prescription medication” form, even if your child only takes medication before school.  Imagine the peace of mind you could have next school year, with a few emergency pills in the school office.  Imagine the fall morning when you get that teacher phone call and can say, okay send her to the nurse’s office they have her pill there- little guilt and no dread…

Keep a calendar: Use a monthly or weekly calendar and write down vacation, camp and community trip dates.  Kids need routine to feel secure, but be sure to leave some dates empty to allow for free time to simple create and imagine in the back yard.

Prescript your day: Early in the day, sit with your child and review what they want to accomplish and what you need to accomplish.  Negotiate how each of you will spend your time so as not to conflict.  Explicitly state how you expect your child to behave for any important activities (like that very important conference call at 1PM) and be sure to reward them for following the “script.”

Make a summer contract: Use the summer as an opportunity to help your child explore their interests, reinforce their academic skills, and find their passions.  Write out a contract with your child, in which they list their goals for the summer.  Goals could include places they would like to visit, books they would like to read, cub scout activities they would like to complete, models they would like to build- the list of possibilities is endless.  Include goals you and the teacher identify as well.  If you have a therapist, consult them regarding activities to persue over the summer break.  Activities can be focused on building a friendship with a particular friend, trying new foods with dinner, volunteering at a local soup kitchen, or learning the steps to complimenting a sibling. Set a due date and reward for completing each goal.  Consider rewarding the child with a bonus for completing all their goals for the summer.

Loosen up but keep a routine: Part of the brillance of summer is the long days and lazy nights without a tight schedule to keep.  The occasional later bedtime and relaxation of the rules are part of the inherent beauty of summer vacation.  That being said, basic family rules, chores, and routines still need to be followed.  Be mindful that a little sleep deprivation can lead to meltdowns for both parent and child any time of year.  Rules about not playing on the computer all day, still need to be followed, even during the summer.  Too much screen time robs kids of opportunities to build social skills and develop interests as well as leads to irritability.

Manage medicine:  Some parents take a medication vacation over the summer, in an effort to allow their children to gain some weight and height.  There is little evidence however, that ADHD medications permanently impact a child’s height.  Kids often grow slower than their non-medicated peers, but do eventually catch-up.
Before taking a medication vacation, consider all the aspects of your child’s summer.  Will you be taking a long trip, during which time your child will need to sit still? How will you all survive the trip?  Will your child be in camp, where she will need to follow directions?  Will ADHD behavior make it hard for her to participate in group activities or attend to social cues from new friends?  Will your child have lots of unscheduled time with neighborhood kids, in which impulsive behavior could result in unsafe decisions or poor peer interactions? Before taking a medication vacation, consider all these potential situations.

ADHD is a chronic lifelong condition that needs to managed- will your child’s self-esteem, self-image, and social skill acquisition benefit from a medication vacation?  Consider your goals for your child’s summer and how a medication vacation could affect your child’s success in their summer activities.

In lieu of a complete ADHD medication vacation, consider the use of shorter acting medications for the most challenging activities of your child’s summer- like a long car ride or plane trip.  Shorter acting medications can cause fewer appetite- suppressing effects.  Speak with your child’s physician, and collaborate with your child, as you make these decisions.  Remember that as you are modeling healthy management of a condition that will likely be a lifelong journey for your child.  Fuel their passions, provide opportunities to build skills, and model a healthy approach to symptom management.

Relax: Use the summer to reconnect and play.  Just as your kids schedule time to do homework during the school year, schedule regular time to play with your kids every day after work.  Play catch, go for a swim, bike down to the ice cream shop- do activities together to build your relationship and create a healthy self- image. Enjoy your summer together!

Inspiring reluctant readers is a challenge- a challenge that becomes bigger and bigger as students become older and reading requirements become larger and more frequent.   Let’s be honest, when you look at it from a student’s point of view, here comes an authority figure handing you, the non-book lover, a huge book which you are not only required to read, but answer content questions. It would overwhelm any non-book lover, regardless of age. 

Consider the use of paperclips to help overcome the anxiety of a large reading assignment.  As I recently asked my 7^th grader, “how do you eat an elephant?”  The answer- “One forkful at a time.”  We break apart the reading of a large novel or text chapter by reading only to the clip.  We repeat this daily or twice a day- depending on the urgency to complete the assignment, until the entire reading assignment is complete.  Anxiety is eliminated or at least lessened- for both parent (usually Mom) and student.  

For more tips like this, attend CHADD’s Parent to Parent Family Training Class, online classes are forming now.

ODD episodes at my house look a lot like a truck run amuck- running without brakes, racing past waving construction crews and bright lights blinking “Danger: Road Ends”- all paths ending at a deep gorge. To be honest though, I don’t think the diagnosis matters, kids not coping well all look about the same, and makes the family equally miserable- what matters is sorting though the strategies that can be used as parents to make our family lives, more than livable, but make our homes a loving sanctuary for our entire family.

For our crew, one fundamental paradigm shift we have had to make to keep our trucks off the cliff is a shift we have found to be both simplistic in phrasing but challenging to live: all people will “do well”, if they can. It is the premise of Ross Greene’s work on problem solving. It is a fundamental belief that people are good and want to be successful and loved. When they aren’t acting in a way that will get them love and success, it is because they lack the skills to act in a way that will gain them love and positive reinforcement. When a person does not have the skills to problem solve and achieve in a positive way, they use what skills they do have to get any reinforcement. If they can’t be successful in a positive way, they revert to any way they can feel success, even if it is considered negative or bad by the rest of society -their family and school.

It has taken a long parenting journey with two children with ODD as well as the bravery to confront the soundtrack from my childhood, and honesty to admit my own role in my child’s behavior, to see there are times when I push my child’s out-of-control-truck by either ignoring the warning signs of trouble coming OR by overreacting and becoming inflexible myself. This is where the challenge lies- looking out our roles in our family dynamics. At times, I demonstrate poor problem-solving skills because I am stressed or distracted. Whether it was my own mother’s voice in my head, saying “that child needs a good swat on the bottom,” or my husband’s voice in my head of “when are we going to get that child in line,” or my simply my own struggle to be a parent when I needed to finish an email or finish a phone call, “why can’t they leave me some peace to finish my work,” all of it contributes to my failure to act in a positive direction- to problem solve. I have learned I have skills to learn – to confront my soundtrack and identify my triggers so I can pre-script my reactions, and calm myself so I am prepared to teach the same skills to my child! I need my child to learn to soothe and calm themselves- so they can experience peace and personal success.

In Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s Kids Parents and Power Struggles, she discusses how conflicts between temperaments within a family can energize power struggles and battles. She defines temperament as the style of an individual. The style is defined by 7 components including persistence, sensitivity, adaptability, intensity, regularity, activity level and first reaction.

Sensitive people notice subtle smells and noises: scratchy wool sweaters and misaligned socks bother them. They notice the temperature of a room, and if it is too cool or too hot, may become irritable. Extreme weather, scratchy sweaters, humming light bulbs, and the odd label do not bother insensitive people. They can happily play basketball without a coat or even a shirt outside in the winter.

Quick adapting kids and adults love novel things, they are energized by surprises, change and adventure. They can get up and get dressed without a problem and leave a play date without incident. Kids who adapt slowly need extra time to settle at night, have trouble leaving a friend’s house, and may struggle when the itinerary for the day is not followed.

An individual’s persistence can vary from being able to easily shift from one activity to becoming very upset when asked to stop or change what they are doing.  Persistent people find it difficult to stop their activities. They are easily frustrated by interruptions; they want to finish their tasks. These folks wake up with a plan of their own for the day. Individuals lower on the persistence spectrum are not bothered by interruptions. They can accept no for an answer and can easily stop what they are doing to do something else.

Intensity in temperament refers to an individual’s emotion level. Intense people are easily frustrated; they experience emotion very deeply and intensely and it can be unexpected emotion. They can struggle to let go of an emotion easily. Less intense temperaments are not as easily frustrated, and do not get upset as quickly or as intensely.

Regularity refers to bodily needs. Temperaments that have a high degree of regularity need to eat at specific times, tend to wake at the same time regardless of when they went to bed, and can’t imagine skipping meals. Less regular temperaments graze on food throughout the day and frequently skip meals. If left alone, they would wake at a different time each day.

Activity level is fairly self-evident. Highly active temperaments seem always on the go. They frequently fidget, walk briskly, and find sitting for a long time exhausting. Low activity level individuals don’t regularly exercise and can sit quiet for an extended time.

The final component of temperament, according Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is how an individual initially reacts to something, how impulsive are they? Do they jump right into new activities or do they prefer to sit and watch? Cautious individuals may refuse to initially participate in an activity, even if it was their idea.

For our family, identifying these temperaments for everyone in our house has helped us begin to understand our triggers and live the concept- we all do well if we can. We are slower to anger because we do not immediately assume a family member’s anger is about us, as much as a problem to solve, an individual’s struggle to manage their temperament.  For some in my family, the temperature of the house or a missed meal can set the stage for losing one’s cool- though they may not be fully aware that that is what has triggered their bad mood. We do our best to teach about managing the issues- for my sensitive guys, I explain why it is so important to dress for the weather and eat their meals, regardless of what their “insensitive-temperamented” older brother is doing- he is a different person with a different temperament.  Older brother has to work on acknowledging his persistence and how it can trigger intense emotion for him.  He has to learn the skills to manage his anger.   Each person is different and is responsible for understanding their temperament and learning the skills (with help from parents and teachers) to manage the resulting triggers.

For others, myself included, it has been our high persistence that can trigger irritability and set the stage for trucks over cliffs. We focus on knowing, for those of us with high persistence,  it is hard to stop what we started- but that there are times we must. Any anger about the interruption is about our temperament not about the messenger. Just having that self-knowledge makes everyone less likely to explode. Together we are learning phrasing like, “Excuse me …, I know I am interrupting, but I need to talk to you in a few minutes.” The act of acknowledging the interruption has become a cue to the receiver that they need to stop and recognize that any anger about stopping is about their temperament, not the poor messenger. Giving a few minutes notice, ‘I need to talk to you in a few minutes,” also helps prepare the family member that struggles with transitions.

Knowing our temperaments, knowing we are all trying to “do well” and appreciating each other’s differences in temperament helps create a more understanding house.  By knowing the temperaments, and then teaching ourselves about each other-all have begun to have greater understanding and appreciation of our triggers and accelerators. From that base, problem solving has and does begin. I encourage you to spend some time thinking about your own family’s temperament.  You may be surprised to discover that the child who is always battling over the Saturday morning agenda is a child who is much like their parent, persistence has met persistence.

We have not solved world peace yet, but fewer trucks go over our cliff.  I am starting to become a more patient mother and spouse.  I know where the pitfalls are in my day and in myself, making it a bit easier to pre-script my answers to situations, hopefully making me a better wife, better mother, better daughter, and better friend. We are all doing the best that we can.

1)    Own your behavior without excuses.  No “ifs, ands, or buts.”

2)    Give your child repeatable slogans they can work into an apology to make apologizing effortless.  “I am sorry I….  Is there anything I can do to help?”

3)    Always offer an action, as part of the apology. “Mom, I am sorry I broke your lamp.  I would like to I pay for a new one out of my allowance.”  “Charlene, I am sorry I broke your pen, would like to have mine?” “Katie, I am sorry I hit you, can I get you a piece of ice for your arm?”  For parents apologizing, ask your child to do an activity with you, that has nothing to do with the conflict, even if they resist.  It will help break the tension.

4)    Teach the importance of KISSing your apology. Keep It Short and Sweet. Do not go on and on with an apology.  If you need to, you are likely adding an excuse.

5)    Use humor to break tension. “ Remind me to leave that Mommy-monster in the car trunk tomorrow.”

6) Stay with it. Time repairs many rifts.  Continue to be open to the person you have offended, even if the reception to your apology is cool.  Often people need some time to recover from their own hurt feelings, before they can accept a friend fully back into the fold.  Be prepared that some rift repairs take time.

Illustration by Keith Noordzy, http://keithnoordzy.blogspot.com

Body Posture. When offering an apology, turn and face the person to whom you are speaking.  Yes, it is hard.  Talk to your child about courage and bravery.  Courage is not just for soldiers, fireman, and superheros, it’s for little and big kids and adults too! It takes tremendous bravery to stand up to an adult or superior and admit a mistake- stand like a hero- back tall and arms at your sides- looking at whom you are talking.

Facial expression.  Though conflict can naturally make some people anxiously smile and avoid eye contact, others scowl.  Try not to do either.  Look directly at the person as you speak honestly about your mistake, and make your apology.  Have kids practice giving their apology in the mirror, they can watch themselves and see how their scowl affects them as they apologize.

Tone of voice. You can ignite anger or invite cooperation with a tone of voice.  Keep your apology voice soft and tone heartfelt.  Too sweet or too loud sounds insincere.  Model apologies with different voice tones to your kids so they understand how the tones sound when hearing them- ask how do they feel when your tone is harsh, when it is soft spoken, etc.  Consider using a voice recorder so kids can record themselves and practice their apology and hear their own tone.

Apologizing Words. Apology without excuses.  No ifs, ands or buts.  If an apology goes long, it probably means you are giving an excuse as well.  Give your child repeatable slogans they can work into an apology to minimize the chance of offering a reason or excuse- make apologizing effortless.  “I am sorry I….  Is there anything I can do to help repair the damage?”

I have a lot of kids- and a lot of kids with special needs, so this problem may be unique to me, but I struggle to keep track of where I am in the process of raising my children.  There are times that I am very overwhelmed by how many needs they each have or am overcome with worry that I have overlooked an issue.  They are a whole person, but with special needs it is easy to hyper-focus on the educational issues and overlook other aspects of their being- like their spirituality or awareness of themselves.  In the times in which we live, so much information is coming at us, it is easy to suffer with informational saturation and  lose sight of the important bits.  The 6-Sided Survey  is a chart to track your concerns and plans for your child, while also documenting parenting goals and items on which follow-up is required.  My husband and I use it to strategize and make our goals for parenting in the coming month. Similarly, it can be used with nannys and long term sitters.

The 6 Sided Survey provides an outline for assessing a child’s physical, educational, emotional, social, and spiritual development, as well as development of self-awareness.  This survey is designed to be a quick over-view, and used to jog your mind, not for detailed documentation or formal evaluation.  You may find the survey useful to use weekly or it may be more suited for your lifestyle to review your children monthly.   Consider using this with long term help like a nanny, to communicate goals for the coming week, skills you need them to reinforce, or concerns you need to them to follow.

Under the Physical section of the survey, document any medication your child is taking and side effects your child may be experiencing.  Note other concerns you may have, including allergic reactions, sinus complaints, and stomach complaints. Depending on the age of the child, consider where your child is in their physical development, everything from developmental milestones to sexual maturity.

Under the Educational section, document success, including improved homework completion and improved grades.  Assess where you may be along the IEP process.  Does your child need tutoring help- even if it is from a family member?  Document all concerns.

Under the Self-section of the survey, document your child’s talents and self-sense.  Are they aware of their ADHD diagnosis or other diagnoses?  Are they aware of how their diagnoses affect their behavior?  Are they using adaptive strategies?  What coping strategies are successful?  What activities are they doing to develop their talents?

Under the Emotional section, document your child’s overall mood.  Do they have low frustration tolerance?   Are they having tantrums?  How frequent are the tantrums?  How long do they last? Can they self-soothe?  What do they do to manage their stress level?

In the Social section, document whom your child is a friend with?  What do they enjoy doing together?  Do they solve their own differences relatively peacefully? Does your child participate in group activities?  What are the activities and does she feel accepted in the group?  

Spiritual development has more to do with a child’s sense of self and others within a community and within the larger universe, than with a specific religion.  Though parents may want to specifically reference their religion and their child’s education within that religion, it is not necessary.  Does the child feel good about himself and view himself as being a positive moral person, who has value?

The last 2 sections of the survey are for parents and caregivers to set SMART parenting goals as well document areas that require contact with an educational, guidance or medical provider.   Goals should specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely.  See my article on goal setting, entitled “Empowering Kids for Life-long Success” for further specifics on SMART goals.

Kids, whether they communicate it or not, make plans just like us, adults.  They have hopes and plan for their days off, weekends, or vacations.  They expect to “have fun,” they expect to see their best friend at the basketball game, they expect to have pizza for Friday night dinner.  When those expectations are not met, many kids may sound a “hur-rumph,” but the unhappiness and disappointment largely ends there, as they rearrange their expectations and focus on other aspects of their weekend to make themselves content.  But for other kids, the disappointment leads to angry outbursts or hysterical tears.  These kids have not yet developed the skills needed to overcome disappointments.  They do not know how to rethink things to find a silver lining.  They need a script or menu for appropriate reactions to frustration and disappointment.

Kids with ADHD carry a double-whammy when it comes to plans and expectations.  Not only can they have a hard time managing frustration and handling disappointment, but as kids who have executive functioning deficits (difficulty planning and organizing), they struggle when they don’t have a clear plan or routine to know what is expected.  Without a plan or knowing the “rules,” kids with ADHD go where their interests take them.  They often act without planning or thinking through the consequences.  Pair this with the busy schedule of adult life, that may not have been clearly communicated, and it has the potential of creating a nightmare, that pits you and your child in a massive power struggle.

Fortunately, there is a strategy that is useful for managing expectations so we can joyfully live together!  Pre-scripting is a script for future events.  It is” written” in a conversation that ends with a verbal contract between you and your child about what behavior and/or event can be expected and what consequences (good and bad) will follow if the script is or is not followed.

Pre-scripting for a day:
1)    REVIEW: Sit down at the beginning of the day with your family and review the calendar of events for the day.
2)    ASK: Ask family members what plans they have, that are not already in the schedule.
3)    PLAN: Write down all plans AKA “the script.”  Negotiate what is possible and what is not.  Be realistic with yourself.  Do not attempt to cram everything into your day.  Agree on what will and will not be included.
4)    CONSEQUENCES: Build-in a reward for following the “script.”  Rewards should be activities that enhance your relationship with each other- for example, an extra bedtime book, time on the Wii together, watching and discussing a favorite TV show together. Then, clearly state the consequences for not following the “script.”  You may only need to say, “we won’t get our reward if we don’t follow our script,” or you may have to warn your child that they may have to lose a privilege for not following the script.  It depends on your child.
5)    PLEDGE: Have everyone involved verbally repeat the plan, and then promise to follow it.  Make-up a silly family pledge to seal the deal…”I promise to stop my train, kiss my brain, and be the best McLane.”  Make up your own rhyme…

Pre-scripting behavior for an event:
1)    REVIEW: Discuss what is likely to take place at the event.  For example, we are going to Grand mom’s house for dinner.  There will be turkey, mashed potatoes and collard greens for dinner, and pumpkin pie for dessert.
2) ASK: Ask your child about problems they anticipate.  Suggest problem areas you imagine or anticipate.  For example, I know you don’t like collard greens.  How should we handle that?
3) PLAN: Develop a plan to address the anticipated problems.  For example, suggest to your child, “instead of saying  ‘yuck, I hate those,’ say ‘no thank you, but I would love more mashed potatoes.’”
4)    CONSEQUENCES: Plan a reward that you can do with your child, if they follow the script.  For example, if you calmly follow our plan that includes sitting quietly at dinner without making negative comments about the meal, when we get home we can play on the Wii together for an hour.
5)  PLEDGE: Have everyone verbally repeat the plan back to you, and then promise to follow it.  Make-up a silly family pledge to seal the deal…

Give these ideas a try the next time you discover yourself in a power struggle.  It can really bring down the intensity in your home and make you more productive with your time together as a family.  Please feel free to leave comments and let us know how it goes with your pre-scripted plan!

It’s hard to get somewhere if you don’t know where you are going.

What’s in a good goal? Goals should be “SMART.”
1) Specific: Make goals behavior specific. Avoid vague or elaborate multi-step goals. For example a smart goal is not, “Clean your room. “ Instead, say “Put all the clothes that are on your floor, in your hamper.”

2) Measurable: Make sure it is clear when a goal has been achieved. Goals must be measurable- how much? How often? How many days? In the goal “Put all the clothes that are on your floor in your hamper,” we know it is complete when there are no more clothes on the floor. On the other hand, in the goal, “clean your room,” any teenager will tell you a clean room is really defined by your definition of “clean.”

3) Attainable/ Realistic: Is the goal within abilities and time allotment? Is it realistic? Goals should to be set near a current area of ability- goals should expand a child’s success zone.

4) Timely: When will this goal be completed? How long does the child have to finish the goal? Goal should have a time frame for when they will be completed. For example, in the “put all the clothes on your floor in your hamper” goal, add “4 out of the next 7 days” and you make the goal timely. Other ways to make goals timely is to simply add a due date, “I will finish reading my novel by Friday night.”

What kinds of goals should be made? Make goals about school, others and self. By focusing on each of these areas, kids are likely to find something they are motivated to accomplish, while also learning the important life lessons of creating balance in their lives. Limit one goal for each area. Making too many goals, make it more difficult to focus on all of them- increasing the chance they won’t be achieved. Kids (and adults) need to be successful!

Goals for school are goals for the work side of children’s lives, their job- school. Consider grade appropriate goals like finishing a novel, writing a book report, writing down assignments or finishing assigned work. Encourage your child to talk to your teacher about what changes he or she would like to see. Explore with your child what you view as their strengths and weak areas. If they are completing 40% of their work, consider a goal to complete 50% one week and if successful, then 60% the following week. The goal is obviously to reach 100% of the work, but to have long standing success you have to build on what is already working. Reaching to fast and then missing the goal attainment, can feed a child’s sense of the impossible and ignores why the child wasn’t achieving to begin with.

Goals for others should be about doing something to enhance relationships and friendships. Does your child have a friendship that is broken or damaged- what can they do to fix it? Has a family member that has been hurt by something they did? What can you do to apologize? What can you do to help repair the rift? Provide concrete suggestions for activities and goals.

Goals for self should be about something your child is good at doing and ideally enjoys doing. Help them build their success zone. How can they take their talents to another level? Do they want to improve their lap time? Or get better at drawing horses? Or maybe get better at building with Legos- consider a trip to the library for book on the subject? Strategize with your child on ideas to enhance their skills and life’s joy.

Create a routine for goal setting. Building a goal setting session into a routine is the hardest part of setting goals. Link goal setting time with a weekly activity. For example, talk about the past week, review what went well and what did not, and make a plan for the coming week over Sunday morning breakfast. After breakfast, sit with your child and have them write or dictate their goals. Use a goal setting sheet to organize ideas and plans. (Go to the download tab of this site to download the Power Mom’s Goal Setting Sheet.)

Be your child’s goal buddy, a person encouraging them to stay on track with their goals. It is difficult for kids with poor planning to stay on track and remember the goal without reminders. Create a reward plan with your child. How are they going to celebrate their success? Rejoice with your child in their success- consider rewards like a hike together or a milkshake shared at McDonalds. Success is always sweeter when it is shared with a friend who knows the depth of the challenge.

Remembering goals can be difficult during the business of the week. Post the goals on a mirror, back of your child’s closet door or on the refrigerator. Check-in regularly on how the goal attainment is going. Ask if there is anything you can do to help? For parents, who struggle to remember – consider an electronic reminder or post the goals in a prominent spot in the house so you both remember where you’re “going” through the week.

Let your child own their successes and their failures. Do not do their work for them or save them from missing their goals. The point of goal setting is for them to be responsible for the direction of their lives. As a parent, guide them and encourage them, strategize to find solutions to obstacles, but do not do their work.

At the end of the week, review with your child how they did. Common mistake areas for making goals include vague goals, unrealistic goals or goals that could not be accomplished in the time allotted. It is okay. When making goals for the coming week- help your child tweak them to be more specific and realistic. If your child consistently misses their target, talk with them. Strategize, where are things going wrong? Investigate the problem and begin again. Whatever you do, don’t stop setting goals or examining the source of obstacles with your child. Make goals smaller and closer to the child’s success zone: slowly expanding it will lead to success. Explain that goal setting is a dynamic process.

Most importantly, parents don’t forget to celebrate your child’s hard work. Even if your child doesn’t accomplish any of their goals but has worked hard toward them, compliment them. It is tough to keep working when you do not feel success. Be their biggest cheerleader! Celebrate their achievements, even if they are small. Long standing success builds slowly.