Keep a calendar: Use a monthly or weekly calendar and write down vacation, camp and community trip dates.  Kids need routine to feel secure, but be sure to leave some dates empty to allow for free time to simple create and imagine in the back yard.

Prescript your day: Early in the day, sit with your child and review what they want to accomplish and what you need to accomplish.  Negotiate how each of you will spend your time so as not to conflict.  Explicitly state how you expect your child to behave for any important activities (like that very important conference call at 1PM) and be sure to reward them for following the “script.”

Make a summer contract: Use the summer as an opportunity to help your child explore their interests, reinforce their academic skills, and find their passions.  Write out a contract with your child, in which they list their goals for the summer.  Goals could include places they would like to visit, books they would like to read, cub scout activities they would like to complete, models they would like to build- the list of possibilities is endless.  Include goals you and the teacher identify as well.  If you have a therapist, consult them regarding activities to persue over the summer break.  Activities can be focused on building a friendship with a particular friend, trying new foods with dinner, volunteering at a local soup kitchen, or learning the steps to complimenting a sibling. Set a due date and reward for completing each goal.  Consider rewarding the child with a bonus for completing all their goals for the summer.

Loosen up but keep a routine: Part of the brillance of summer is the long days and lazy nights without a tight schedule to keep.  The occasional later bedtime and relaxation of the rules are part of the inherent beauty of summer vacation.  That being said, basic family rules, chores, and routines still need to be followed.  Be mindful that a little sleep deprivation can lead to meltdowns for both parent and child any time of year.  Rules about not playing on the computer all day, still need to be followed, even during the summer.  Too much screen time robs kids of opportunities to build social skills and develop interests as well as leads to irritability.

Manage medicine:  Some parents take a medication vacation over the summer, in an effort to allow their children to gain some weight and height.  There is little evidence however, that ADHD medications permanently impact a child’s height.  Kids often grow slower than their non-medicated peers, but do eventually catch-up.
Before taking a medication vacation, consider all the aspects of your child’s summer.  Will you be taking a long trip, during which time your child will need to sit still? How will you all survive the trip?  Will your child be in camp, where she will need to follow directions?  Will ADHD behavior make it hard for her to participate in group activities or attend to social cues from new friends?  Will your child have lots of unscheduled time with neighborhood kids, in which impulsive behavior could result in unsafe decisions or poor peer interactions? Before taking a medication vacation, consider all these potential situations.

ADHD is a chronic lifelong condition that needs to managed- will your child’s self-esteem, self-image, and social skill acquisition benefit from a medication vacation?  Consider your goals for your child’s summer and how a medication vacation could affect your child’s success in their summer activities.

In lieu of a complete ADHD medication vacation, consider the use of shorter acting medications for the most challenging activities of your child’s summer- like a long car ride or plane trip.  Shorter acting medications can cause fewer appetite- suppressing effects.  Speak with your child’s physician, and collaborate with your child, as you make these decisions.  Remember that as you are modeling healthy management of a condition that will likely be a lifelong journey for your child.  Fuel their passions, provide opportunities to build skills, and model a healthy approach to symptom management.

Relax: Use the summer to reconnect and play.  Just as your kids schedule time to do homework during the school year, schedule regular time to play with your kids every day after work.  Play catch, go for a swim, bike down to the ice cream shop- do activities together to build your relationship and create a healthy self- image. Enjoy your summer together!

Conference with your child’s teacher to discuss skills your child will need to reinforce for the coming school year.  Before the end of the school year, compile a list of topics to be covered in the coming school year, as well as skills that need to be maintained over the summer, to prevent summer slide.

Collect reading list recommendations from teachers, the school district, and/or the local library.  Other great resources for summer reading include Jim Trelease’s Read Aloud Handbook, the American Library Association Booklist Awards, and the Newbery Award list.

With your child, make a list of activities that interest them.   Where would they like to visit locally.  Consider family field trips that could fuel their passions- like a trip to an aviation museum, a pretzel factory, a pottery studio, a local farm- the possibilities are endless.  Consider a trip to a local museum that relates to information coming in the next school year, collect souvenirs to help recall information later in the year.

Honestly assess what skills you see your child has and is lacking.   Use the 6-Sided Survey (402) to get you started at looking what you need to address with your child.  Compile a list of activities that can help your child build weaker skills.  Consider activities like volunteering at a soup kitchen to help build empathy or regularly presenting information to your family in an effort to build confidence and reduce anxiety when speaking publicly.  Make a goal for giving 2 daily compliments to a sibling for improved sibling relations.  Be sure to make goals for both academics and passions, but also for friendship building and spiritual development.  Use the Six-Sided Survey to consider your whole child.

After you have collected these lists of areas to develop, activities and interests to pursue, work with your child to set goals for their summer.  Remember that goals need to be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely.  Consider providing a sign-on bonus for agreeing to pursue the contract and providing an attainment bonus for kids who accomplish all of their goals or an agreed upon portion of their goals, by a prescribed due date.  Encourage your child to make a goal for building skills in a weak area.  Offer support and encouragement, as you help your child set specific but realistic goals for developing themselves.

Included is a Summer Contract Example (377).  This contract is based on a monetary reward system, for a 7 year old child who is responsible for buying his own play clothes.  Rewards for completing goals can be monetary or simply other activities you promise to do with your child if they complete their individual goals.  Up the reward for goals that may be particularly difficult to attain.  The idea behind making the summer contract is to help children build a positive self-image through identifying and developing their talents, and identifying and overcoming their weaknesses.  Be sure to celebrate success!

As we prepare for what is to come, I fight to make this journey meaningful.  I struggle to balance my immediate need to grief the loss of who my father was and would have been, with the day to day need to set a sane example for my children.  How can I best make this path an opportunity to teach my children about love, empathy, tolerance, and optimism?  How can I heal my own angst about things unsaid, when my dad can no longer understand and remember?  How do I honor my Dad with the care he deserves, while still keeping my sanity as a wife and mother of 5?  How will I balance the diverse needs of my children with ADHD with needs of my aging parents? How will I manage it all? Can I manage it all? Or how will I explain to my mother that I cannot provide the care and assistance? Then what?

These questions weigh heavy on my heart, but in the coming months, I am certain the boat will begin to right itself.  Care routines will be formalized-   I will have those difficult conversations-  I will find my sense of humor again.  But mostly, I will embrace the good moments I will have with my dad, and in so doing, model the love I intend to teach.

I ask for your patience, your advice, and your prayers- and well any good jokes, as I seek to balance the needs of all while modeling empathy, love and optimism for my family.
Candace

It’s a popular phrase in my house: “Don’t take the bait.” We have variances on it including “don’t be a fish,” “some one is fishing,” and the most popular “looks like you’re going to land a big one.” With 5 kids in the house, several of who are close in age, they joke, tease, and well, see who can get a rise out of whom. A product of an only child family, I was deeply disturbed by this behavior when they were younger. I lecturing about home being a sanctuary and that no one was to be teased ever! I have come to accept that as a family with ADHD, and maybe every family has this to some degree- boredom breeds a little teasing/ poking/ fishing. The nature of the teasing has changed- due to my insistence that relationships be nurtured and that personal attacks are harmful- its rarely name calling or about a person’s attributes or personality- because that gets you in a time out and period of service for the offended- but rather the teasing is simply irksome, prankish behavior designed to get a goat- like slowly delivering a fork to a sibling, as they wait at the table staring at a warm brownie covered in melting ice cream or getting in the bathroom before a sibling and then taking a long time to brush teeth as the school bus arrival time approaches. I think every family with more than 1 child has something going on like this….

What I had not expected is to forget to take my own advice. Yesterday, my 13-year-old landed a big one- his mother. Amid a discussion about how he chose to react to sibling’s behavior, my 13-year-old erupted with the statement, “ Mom you always pick favorites- I know he is your favorite.” Before I knew it, I was defending my response to the sibling; instead of addressing the 13-year-old’s behavior. I became so angry that I walked away before I said something I did not mean. (While that is important to do when you feel out of control- it also ended the engagement.)  It was masterful- he had managed to completely derail me, and escape reflection on his own behavior….

I forgot my golden rule of managing teenagers, prepare for being baited.  Don’t take the bait, always have your unemotional response ready to keep the conversation on track. On one of my better days I would have said, “ I am sorry you see it that way, you need to apologize to your brother for your part of the disagreement.” I would have repeated that statement regardless of what he said in response. Teenagers, and well any child will find your weak spot and exploit it, when they feel pinned into a corner. As parents it is our job to control our responses and be ready, even when we are not at our best.

After I cooled off, I circled back with my cool, “ I love you. You need to apologize to your brother for your part in the disagreement.” He stomped his feet and slammed a door- but he apologized to his brother and even added “what can we do to fix this between us- “ It ended in laughter between both brothers and as the 13 year old and I processed our disagreement later, we laughed at the big one he had landed.

How do you manage “button pushing” and “fishing” at your house? Do your kids fish for reactions? How do you keep your cool? Leave comments so we can discuss more and share ideas!

I don’t think anyone would argue against the idea that reading is critical to a child’s life success. Reading provides the foundation for school achievement in all the other academic subjects, including math, science, social studies, writing, and foreign languages. What is discussed far less, is how reading can provided insulation from life’s adversity- be that everything from poverty and neglect to social exclusion by a “girl-clique” at school. Reading can act as a form of escapism.

For a parent of kids with ADHD, this news is good and bad. Reading can offer insulation from the stress of not feeling social success- hooray. On the other hand however, kids with ADHD often struggle to enjoy reading- hmmm… As their parent working to encourage reading, the effort to foster an interest, let alone a love of reading, can feel futile- I admit I have been known to think- “this is impossible- he’s just not a reader.”

Jim Trelease, journalist turned reading advocate, really began the “read-aloud movement,” in 1979 when he published his first addition of the “Read Aloud Handbook.” (There have been 6 editions printed and issued in every language from English to Spanish, Korean, Chinese, and Japanese.) He argues that we have to cultivate readers by giving them the tools to love reading. We begin this process by reading aloud to our children.

From my own experience, fostering the love of reading is not futile and far less daunting than I thought. I am now in the teen zone with one of my children and have several tweens in my house: all are readers. But, it wasn’t always this way. Several years ago, I could have done magic tricks or paid them money for each book read and most of my kids would have still refused to read. I am convinced the nightly ritual of me reading to them has made the difference. It has given our family a book to discuss and has added to both our family’s identity and shared experiences.

In this time when money is tight and jobs uncertain modeling a method of escapism is healthy for everyone. It has allowed me to transport my family, teenagers to toddlers to places I might not otherwise been able to take them. We’ve been with Odysseus to Troy. We have been lost in Digitopolis and met both the Mathemagician and the Dyne. We have met all the Greek and Norse gods and met Desperaux before he was a movie star. Currently we are deep in the Louisiana bayou with a hound and pregnant cat.

It is from this shared world of book experiences, that several years later, all my middle school and elementary school aged kids are independent readers, have running book requests from the local library, and express real opinions about what they read. A few items that helped me, help them along their love-to-read journey are included below.  Some are parent guides, other are magazines kept in the bathroom.  Some are primarily picture magazines and others are comic books.  All have contributed to our success, regardless where each individual child’s skill began.  I hope you will find the list helpful.  I encourage you to add your own suggestions as well.  Happy Family Reading, Candace

Jim Trelease’s Read Aloud Handbook

NYT Guide to Children’s Books

OWL Magazine

Zoo Books

Boy’s Life

Kids Discover

Bone Series

Diary of the Wimpy Kid Series

Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Series

ODD episodes at my house look a lot like a truck run amuck- running without brakes, racing past waving construction crews and bright lights blinking “Danger: Road Ends”- all paths ending at a deep gorge. To be honest though, I don’t think the diagnosis matters, kids not coping well all look about the same, and makes the family equally miserable- what matters is sorting though the strategies that can be used as parents to make our family lives, more than livable, but make our homes a loving sanctuary for our entire family.

For our crew, one fundamental paradigm shift we have had to make to keep our trucks off the cliff is a shift we have found to be both simplistic in phrasing but challenging to live: all people will “do well”, if they can. It is the premise of Ross Greene’s work on problem solving. It is a fundamental belief that people are good and want to be successful and loved. When they aren’t acting in a way that will get them love and success, it is because they lack the skills to act in a way that will gain them love and positive reinforcement. When a person does not have the skills to problem solve and achieve in a positive way, they use what skills they do have to get any reinforcement. If they can’t be successful in a positive way, they revert to any way they can feel success, even if it is considered negative or bad by the rest of society -their family and school.

It has taken a long parenting journey with two children with ODD as well as the bravery to confront the soundtrack from my childhood, and honesty to admit my own role in my child’s behavior, to see there are times when I push my child’s out-of-control-truck by either ignoring the warning signs of trouble coming OR by overreacting and becoming inflexible myself. This is where the challenge lies- looking out our roles in our family dynamics. At times, I demonstrate poor problem-solving skills because I am stressed or distracted. Whether it was my own mother’s voice in my head, saying “that child needs a good swat on the bottom,” or my husband’s voice in my head of “when are we going to get that child in line,” or my simply my own struggle to be a parent when I needed to finish an email or finish a phone call, “why can’t they leave me some peace to finish my work,” all of it contributes to my failure to act in a positive direction- to problem solve. I have learned I have skills to learn – to confront my soundtrack and identify my triggers so I can pre-script my reactions, and calm myself so I am prepared to teach the same skills to my child! I need my child to learn to soothe and calm themselves- so they can experience peace and personal success.

In Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s Kids Parents and Power Struggles, she discusses how conflicts between temperaments within a family can energize power struggles and battles. She defines temperament as the style of an individual. The style is defined by 7 components including persistence, sensitivity, adaptability, intensity, regularity, activity level and first reaction.

Sensitive people notice subtle smells and noises: scratchy wool sweaters and misaligned socks bother them. They notice the temperature of a room, and if it is too cool or too hot, may become irritable. Extreme weather, scratchy sweaters, humming light bulbs, and the odd label do not bother insensitive people. They can happily play basketball without a coat or even a shirt outside in the winter.

Quick adapting kids and adults love novel things, they are energized by surprises, change and adventure. They can get up and get dressed without a problem and leave a play date without incident. Kids who adapt slowly need extra time to settle at night, have trouble leaving a friend’s house, and may struggle when the itinerary for the day is not followed.

An individual’s persistence can vary from being able to easily shift from one activity to becoming very upset when asked to stop or change what they are doing.  Persistent people find it difficult to stop their activities. They are easily frustrated by interruptions; they want to finish their tasks. These folks wake up with a plan of their own for the day. Individuals lower on the persistence spectrum are not bothered by interruptions. They can accept no for an answer and can easily stop what they are doing to do something else.

Intensity in temperament refers to an individual’s emotion level. Intense people are easily frustrated; they experience emotion very deeply and intensely and it can be unexpected emotion. They can struggle to let go of an emotion easily. Less intense temperaments are not as easily frustrated, and do not get upset as quickly or as intensely.

Regularity refers to bodily needs. Temperaments that have a high degree of regularity need to eat at specific times, tend to wake at the same time regardless of when they went to bed, and can’t imagine skipping meals. Less regular temperaments graze on food throughout the day and frequently skip meals. If left alone, they would wake at a different time each day.

Activity level is fairly self-evident. Highly active temperaments seem always on the go. They frequently fidget, walk briskly, and find sitting for a long time exhausting. Low activity level individuals don’t regularly exercise and can sit quiet for an extended time.

The final component of temperament, according Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is how an individual initially reacts to something, how impulsive are they? Do they jump right into new activities or do they prefer to sit and watch? Cautious individuals may refuse to initially participate in an activity, even if it was their idea.

For our family, identifying these temperaments for everyone in our house has helped us begin to understand our triggers and live the concept- we all do well if we can. We are slower to anger because we do not immediately assume a family member’s anger is about us, as much as a problem to solve, an individual’s struggle to manage their temperament.  For some in my family, the temperature of the house or a missed meal can set the stage for losing one’s cool- though they may not be fully aware that that is what has triggered their bad mood. We do our best to teach about managing the issues- for my sensitive guys, I explain why it is so important to dress for the weather and eat their meals, regardless of what their “insensitive-temperamented” older brother is doing- he is a different person with a different temperament.  Older brother has to work on acknowledging his persistence and how it can trigger intense emotion for him.  He has to learn the skills to manage his anger.   Each person is different and is responsible for understanding their temperament and learning the skills (with help from parents and teachers) to manage the resulting triggers.

For others, myself included, it has been our high persistence that can trigger irritability and set the stage for trucks over cliffs. We focus on knowing, for those of us with high persistence,  it is hard to stop what we started- but that there are times we must. Any anger about the interruption is about our temperament not about the messenger. Just having that self-knowledge makes everyone less likely to explode. Together we are learning phrasing like, “Excuse me …, I know I am interrupting, but I need to talk to you in a few minutes.” The act of acknowledging the interruption has become a cue to the receiver that they need to stop and recognize that any anger about stopping is about their temperament, not the poor messenger. Giving a few minutes notice, ‘I need to talk to you in a few minutes,” also helps prepare the family member that struggles with transitions.

Knowing our temperaments, knowing we are all trying to “do well” and appreciating each other’s differences in temperament helps create a more understanding house.  By knowing the temperaments, and then teaching ourselves about each other-all have begun to have greater understanding and appreciation of our triggers and accelerators. From that base, problem solving has and does begin. I encourage you to spend some time thinking about your own family’s temperament.  You may be surprised to discover that the child who is always battling over the Saturday morning agenda is a child who is much like their parent, persistence has met persistence.

We have not solved world peace yet, but fewer trucks go over our cliff.  I am starting to become a more patient mother and spouse.  I know where the pitfalls are in my day and in myself, making it a bit easier to pre-script my answers to situations, hopefully making me a better wife, better mother, better daughter, and better friend. We are all doing the best that we can.

I’ll be honest, abuse of the house, though I am guilt of it as well as the kids, really upsets me, for two reasons.  First there is the morality of it. Somewhere in the pit of my being is the belief that how you treat and respect property is reflective of how you treat and respect yourself and others- so you can imagine how upset I have become as the emotional outbursts and science experiments gone awry have left the house looking unkempt, with small dents in walls, cabinets, and the dishwasher door.  I want my house to be a sanctuary for us all- do sanctuaries have cracked and broken doors and lamps, bricks smeared with caulk? Maybe?….

The second thing that upsets me about the “house abuse,” as I have come to term it, is it is one long constant expense.  No matter how hard we try as a group, something is always broken or lost.  The other week, we finally broke down and bought a new set of flatware after one child admitted to throwing out several utensils to avoid washing them and another child admitted to losing several forks at school, after taking them to eat their lunch.  We were down to 4 spoons and 6 forks, for a family of 7.  (For the record, I keep plastic utensils and junk silverware with the lunch containers- so kids can take utensils- just don’t take the good stuff, has always been the rule.)

So where I am going with this rant?  Well, I was in a real tailspin after the microwave and the chandelier- I was very angry with my children.  I am sure some of my anger was about fearing for kids’ safety, but I also felt like they fundamentally took their house for granted (a real grievance in the wake of today’s mortgage crisis.)  Reflecting on their actions through a disability perspective however, I can now see how all these “abuses” were really the result of impulsive acts, not acts meant to show disrespect or entitlement.  I had to face the fact that much of my anger was actually the result of feeling overwhelmed by the constant bedlam and cost they created, lest the damage not be repaired and the house continue to fall into disrepair.

After several long conversations with my husband, in which we examined our roles in the mess, we realized there were three issues to be addressed.  Below is the list.  Click on each heading for the plan and guidelines we are using to address the concerns.

1)    How do you apologize?

2)    How do you repair a rift after a series of mistakes?

3)    How do you fiscally manage breaking and losing objects and possessions?

These 3 issues are large pieces to tackle, and I don’t recommend approaching them all at once.  While tempting, trying to address too many issues at once, may lead you to abandon the project before it gets off the ground.  Consider starting with just one issue, teach it and model it, before focusing on the next issue.  It will make you feel good when you have completed a step and encourage you to continue the process of teaching these massive life lessons on money and ADHD management.

Illustration by Keith Noordzy, http://keithnoordzy.blogspot.com

It is important that kids understand that this their disaster account- give them vocabulary for the account that they can take into adulthood.  This is a habit you want them to carry with them, a method of managing the baggage of ADHD.  Log in to the account frequently and let them see how their money is growing.  You want them excited about saving!

The kids have been told that any money they do not spend on repairs will be theirs when they leave the house as a young adult.  Keep in mind, I plan to have some of this repair budget cash waiting in the wings when they begin using credit cards and writing checks- so we can repair credit damage or pay overdraft fees.   Though I will discourage the use of credit, occasional use of a credit card is necessary and an overspending cushion should exist behind every credit card and checking account.

1)    Own your behavior without excuses.  No “ifs, ands, or buts.”

2)    Give your child repeatable slogans they can work into an apology to make apologizing effortless.  “I am sorry I….  Is there anything I can do to help?”

3)    Always offer an action, as part of the apology. “Mom, I am sorry I broke your lamp.  I would like to I pay for a new one out of my allowance.”  “Charlene, I am sorry I broke your pen, would like to have mine?” “Katie, I am sorry I hit you, can I get you a piece of ice for your arm?”  For parents apologizing, ask your child to do an activity with you, that has nothing to do with the conflict, even if they resist.  It will help break the tension.

4)    Teach the importance of KISSing your apology. Keep It Short and Sweet. Do not go on and on with an apology.  If you need to, you are likely adding an excuse.

5)    Use humor to break tension. “ Remind me to leave that Mommy-monster in the car trunk tomorrow.”

6) Stay with it. Time repairs many rifts.  Continue to be open to the person you have offended, even if the reception to your apology is cool.  Often people need some time to recover from their own hurt feelings, before they can accept a friend fully back into the fold.  Be prepared that some rift repairs take time.

Illustration by Keith Noordzy, http://keithnoordzy.blogspot.com

Body Posture. When offering an apology, turn and face the person to whom you are speaking.  Yes, it is hard.  Talk to your child about courage and bravery.  Courage is not just for soldiers, fireman, and superheros, it’s for little and big kids and adults too! It takes tremendous bravery to stand up to an adult or superior and admit a mistake- stand like a hero- back tall and arms at your sides- looking at whom you are talking.

Facial expression.  Though conflict can naturally make some people anxiously smile and avoid eye contact, others scowl.  Try not to do either.  Look directly at the person as you speak honestly about your mistake, and make your apology.  Have kids practice giving their apology in the mirror, they can watch themselves and see how their scowl affects them as they apologize.

Tone of voice. You can ignite anger or invite cooperation with a tone of voice.  Keep your apology voice soft and tone heartfelt.  Too sweet or too loud sounds insincere.  Model apologies with different voice tones to your kids so they understand how the tones sound when hearing them- ask how do they feel when your tone is harsh, when it is soft spoken, etc.  Consider using a voice recorder so kids can record themselves and practice their apology and hear their own tone.

Apologizing Words. Apology without excuses.  No ifs, ands or buts.  If an apology goes long, it probably means you are giving an excuse as well.  Give your child repeatable slogans they can work into an apology to minimize the chance of offering a reason or excuse- make apologizing effortless.  “I am sorry I….  Is there anything I can do to help repair the damage?”