Conference with your child’s teacher to discuss skills your child will need to reinforce for the coming school year.  Before the end of the school year, compile a list of topics to be covered in the coming school year, as well as skills that need to be maintained over the summer, to prevent summer slide.

Collect reading list recommendations from teachers, the school district, and/or the local library.  Other great resources for summer reading include Jim Trelease’s Read Aloud Handbook, the American Library Association Booklist Awards, and the Newbery Award list.

With your child, make a list of activities that interest them.   Where would they like to visit locally.  Consider family field trips that could fuel their passions- like a trip to an aviation museum, a pretzel factory, a pottery studio, a local farm- the possibilities are endless.  Consider a trip to a local museum that relates to information coming in the next school year, collect souvenirs to help recall information later in the year.

Honestly assess what skills you see your child has and is lacking.   Use the 6-Sided Survey (402) to get you started at looking what you need to address with your child.  Compile a list of activities that can help your child build weaker skills.  Consider activities like volunteering at a soup kitchen to help build empathy or regularly presenting information to your family in an effort to build confidence and reduce anxiety when speaking publicly.  Make a goal for giving 2 daily compliments to a sibling for improved sibling relations.  Be sure to make goals for both academics and passions, but also for friendship building and spiritual development.  Use the Six-Sided Survey to consider your whole child.

After you have collected these lists of areas to develop, activities and interests to pursue, work with your child to set goals for their summer.  Remember that goals need to be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely.  Consider providing a sign-on bonus for agreeing to pursue the contract and providing an attainment bonus for kids who accomplish all of their goals or an agreed upon portion of their goals, by a prescribed due date.  Encourage your child to make a goal for building skills in a weak area.  Offer support and encouragement, as you help your child set specific but realistic goals for developing themselves.

Included is a Summer Contract Example (377).  This contract is based on a monetary reward system, for a 7 year old child who is responsible for buying his own play clothes.  Rewards for completing goals can be monetary or simply other activities you promise to do with your child if they complete their individual goals.  Up the reward for goals that may be particularly difficult to attain.  The idea behind making the summer contract is to help children build a positive self-image through identifying and developing their talents, and identifying and overcoming their weaknesses.  Be sure to celebrate success!

As we prepare for what is to come, I fight to make this journey meaningful.  I struggle to balance my immediate need to grief the loss of who my father was and would have been, with the day to day need to set a sane example for my children.  How can I best make this path an opportunity to teach my children about love, empathy, tolerance, and optimism?  How can I heal my own angst about things unsaid, when my dad can no longer understand and remember?  How do I honor my Dad with the care he deserves, while still keeping my sanity as a wife and mother of 5?  How will I balance the diverse needs of my children with ADHD with needs of my aging parents? How will I manage it all? Can I manage it all? Or how will I explain to my mother that I cannot provide the care and assistance? Then what?

These questions weigh heavy on my heart, but in the coming months, I am certain the boat will begin to right itself.  Care routines will be formalized-   I will have those difficult conversations-  I will find my sense of humor again.  But mostly, I will embrace the good moments I will have with my dad, and in so doing, model the love I intend to teach.

I ask for your patience, your advice, and your prayers- and well any good jokes, as I seek to balance the needs of all while modeling empathy, love and optimism for my family.
Candace

I’ll be honest, abuse of the house, though I am guilt of it as well as the kids, really upsets me, for two reasons.  First there is the morality of it. Somewhere in the pit of my being is the belief that how you treat and respect property is reflective of how you treat and respect yourself and others- so you can imagine how upset I have become as the emotional outbursts and science experiments gone awry have left the house looking unkempt, with small dents in walls, cabinets, and the dishwasher door.  I want my house to be a sanctuary for us all- do sanctuaries have cracked and broken doors and lamps, bricks smeared with caulk? Maybe?….

The second thing that upsets me about the “house abuse,” as I have come to term it, is it is one long constant expense.  No matter how hard we try as a group, something is always broken or lost.  The other week, we finally broke down and bought a new set of flatware after one child admitted to throwing out several utensils to avoid washing them and another child admitted to losing several forks at school, after taking them to eat their lunch.  We were down to 4 spoons and 6 forks, for a family of 7.  (For the record, I keep plastic utensils and junk silverware with the lunch containers- so kids can take utensils- just don’t take the good stuff, has always been the rule.)

So where I am going with this rant?  Well, I was in a real tailspin after the microwave and the chandelier- I was very angry with my children.  I am sure some of my anger was about fearing for kids’ safety, but I also felt like they fundamentally took their house for granted (a real grievance in the wake of today’s mortgage crisis.)  Reflecting on their actions through a disability perspective however, I can now see how all these “abuses” were really the result of impulsive acts, not acts meant to show disrespect or entitlement.  I had to face the fact that much of my anger was actually the result of feeling overwhelmed by the constant bedlam and cost they created, lest the damage not be repaired and the house continue to fall into disrepair.

After several long conversations with my husband, in which we examined our roles in the mess, we realized there were three issues to be addressed.  Below is the list.  Click on each heading for the plan and guidelines we are using to address the concerns.

1)    How do you apologize?

2)    How do you repair a rift after a series of mistakes?

3)    How do you fiscally manage breaking and losing objects and possessions?

These 3 issues are large pieces to tackle, and I don’t recommend approaching them all at once.  While tempting, trying to address too many issues at once, may lead you to abandon the project before it gets off the ground.  Consider starting with just one issue, teach it and model it, before focusing on the next issue.  It will make you feel good when you have completed a step and encourage you to continue the process of teaching these massive life lessons on money and ADHD management.

Illustration by Keith Noordzy, http://keithnoordzy.blogspot.com

1)    Own your behavior without excuses.  No “ifs, ands, or buts.”

2)    Give your child repeatable slogans they can work into an apology to make apologizing effortless.  “I am sorry I….  Is there anything I can do to help?”

3)    Always offer an action, as part of the apology. “Mom, I am sorry I broke your lamp.  I would like to I pay for a new one out of my allowance.”  “Charlene, I am sorry I broke your pen, would like to have mine?” “Katie, I am sorry I hit you, can I get you a piece of ice for your arm?”  For parents apologizing, ask your child to do an activity with you, that has nothing to do with the conflict, even if they resist.  It will help break the tension.

4)    Teach the importance of KISSing your apology. Keep It Short and Sweet. Do not go on and on with an apology.  If you need to, you are likely adding an excuse.

5)    Use humor to break tension. “ Remind me to leave that Mommy-monster in the car trunk tomorrow.”

6) Stay with it. Time repairs many rifts.  Continue to be open to the person you have offended, even if the reception to your apology is cool.  Often people need some time to recover from their own hurt feelings, before they can accept a friend fully back into the fold.  Be prepared that some rift repairs take time.

Illustration by Keith Noordzy, http://keithnoordzy.blogspot.com

Body Posture. When offering an apology, turn and face the person to whom you are speaking.  Yes, it is hard.  Talk to your child about courage and bravery.  Courage is not just for soldiers, fireman, and superheros, it’s for little and big kids and adults too! It takes tremendous bravery to stand up to an adult or superior and admit a mistake- stand like a hero- back tall and arms at your sides- looking at whom you are talking.

Facial expression.  Though conflict can naturally make some people anxiously smile and avoid eye contact, others scowl.  Try not to do either.  Look directly at the person as you speak honestly about your mistake, and make your apology.  Have kids practice giving their apology in the mirror, they can watch themselves and see how their scowl affects them as they apologize.

Tone of voice. You can ignite anger or invite cooperation with a tone of voice.  Keep your apology voice soft and tone heartfelt.  Too sweet or too loud sounds insincere.  Model apologies with different voice tones to your kids so they understand how the tones sound when hearing them- ask how do they feel when your tone is harsh, when it is soft spoken, etc.  Consider using a voice recorder so kids can record themselves and practice their apology and hear their own tone.

Apologizing Words. Apology without excuses.  No ifs, ands or buts.  If an apology goes long, it probably means you are giving an excuse as well.  Give your child repeatable slogans they can work into an apology to minimize the chance of offering a reason or excuse- make apologizing effortless.  “I am sorry I….  Is there anything I can do to help repair the damage?”

The Weekend Planning Worksheet (613) grew out of this recurring experience for our family of 7.  On the planning sheet, each family member is assigned a color.  Just as an aside, this color is used to identify the person throughout the house, including calendars, shoe buckets, lunch boxes, laundry bins, etc.  Gray sections on the worksheet are for parents and caregivers.

What’s on the worksheet? The weekend planning worksheet is designed to be a trigger to help you organize weekend tasks and initiate planning for the coming week.  Sections on the sheet include household management, car care, family meeting, work related, meals for the coming week, homework/projects/events, as well as sections for listing errands, and follow-up items for the coming week.  As well as being color-coded, work –related and homework/projects/events sections contain a box in which to  write an individual’s initials.

The family meeting section is sub-divided into the following 3 sub-sections: value activity, concerns, and compliments.  Our family meetings are held on Sunday nights, but it can be held on any time in the week.  Each month, we focus on a specific value we want to impart on our children.  Our values include respect, love, peaceability, and honesty, to name a few.  Our family meeting always includes a thought-provoking activity to help the kids understand the value.  Over the course of the month, we as parents work hard to live and reinforce the presence of those values in our children.  The other sub-sections are self-explanatory.  Concerns are problems to be discussed as a family and compliments are items we want to publically recognize and reinforce.  Compliments might be anything from applauding how one child waited for the bathroom patiently to celebrating hard work a child put toward a project.  Ideally compliments include items that reinforce the value the family is working on that month.

When using the planning sheet be sure to include a task for yourself that boosts your own emotional and spiritual health.  Tasks might include going for a run, reading a book quietly, constructing a puzzle, or taking a bubble bath.- anything that gives a little time for yourself- so you feel rejuvenated to be the best mom for the coming week.  As a friend recently reminded me, “You are the glue- if the glue isn’t working, everything falls apart- you must make yourself a priority!”

When to complete the worksheet? I find completing the worksheet on Thursday nights very helpful.  Over dinner, I talk with the kids and my husband, if he is home from business travel, about what they want to accomplish over the weekend.  We look over schedules to make sure we know when and where all our events are occurring.  I take requests for meals in the coming week, which assures I plan my meals ahead, and lowers my weekday stress.  It also has the side benefit of limiting battles over meals, thus, raising the peace level in my home, and lowering everyone’s stress level.  When we are done with dinner, we typically have the worksheet completed.  I post it on the fridge and we all refer to it over the coming weekend.

…And so I give you the worksheet that has helped me feel effective and efficient, as well as allowed me to find my mommy-refresh time and lower my anxiety level.  Best wishes!

Below is a list of sites you can visit to find volunteer opportunities in your community. Go on-line with your kids and their friends and together find a place to volunteer on Monday. If you can’t find somewhere close, encourage your kids to do chores and research where they want to donate the money. The amount doesn’t matter, it is the spirit of giving and service that matters. Be the change you want your family to make!

I invite readers to leave comments about how they plan to spend Martin Luther King Day. Share your wealth of information, resources, and ideas! Thanks for participating and Happy Volunteering!

USA Freedom Corps

Volunteermatch

MLK Day

1. Most people won’t believe the stories you tell.

2. Everyone has an opinion about how you should fix your child, some will be helpful: most will be a form of judgment.

3. The hardest part of being a family with ADHD is everyone sees your flaws when you have a bad day.

4. Too many extra-curricular activities disrupts the cadence of managing a houseful of ADHD.

5. Most of the world knows only what the media presents, not what is going on at NIH.

6. Teaching values and manners matter more for families managing ADHD, because stopping to pay attention to those things does not come naturally.

7. A tone of voice can invite cooperation or ignite deviance.

8. Kids do if they can. All kids want to succeed.

9. Hugs fix a lot of mistakes.

10. Accepting ADHD makes successfully managing it much easier.