I went in search of my “zing” during my writing hiatus.  Aging parents, struggling students, emotional pre-teens, needy toddlers, and a traveling husband took its pound of flesh- and my “zing” with them… In my frantic scurry to find happiness again, I came to realize that my zing was not a noun- a state to achieve, but a verb- a process.  My happiness could only be found in its pursuit.

As a mother managing a houseful of ADHD and then some, I fell into the trap of neglecting my pursuit of my “zing,” (AKA happiness) so I could do more caregiving.  In an effort to save time and mental energy, I sacrificed my then considered “fluff” self-centered activities, like reading, gardening, and writing so I could spend more time taking care of everyone else.  By saving my mental energy, I actually lost it- quite literally. With diminishing mental energy,  I became more and more stressed. I spent more and more time and effort repairing family disagreements and conflicts, caused by the screamy-meanies. I had not expected to become the ‘MommyMonster,” so aptly named by my kids.  Without replenishing my tank, I continued to spiral downward, with less and less energy and more and more yelling.

Seeking happiness, something that is suppose to be enjoyable, requires effort: it is work.  Somehow, I think we Americans think joy should be effortless- it’s not.  It requires focus and discipline: that is difficult when you are unfocused due to ADHD or depression, or distracted by what you see as a more important task- like caregiving.

So how did I get my zing back…well I first dealt with my emotional concerns- I went to see a counselor, which lead to a psychiatrist, which lead to a bit of testing, which led to a diagnosis of ADHD, anxiety and depression.  I started medicine.  This allowed me to start focusing on working toward happiness – to set up and follow routines that lead toward living a more fulfilling life that included caregiving but was not and is not consumed by it.  I now have rules about thinking in my head:

1)    Own your stuff – your feelings, your talents, and your issues.

2)    Look for the upside, always.

3)    Fake it till you feel it. Practice being full of zing.

4)    Laugh.

5)    Reframe conflict and listen to it. Yelling is an expression of frustration and stress.

6)    Be grateful. Always say thank you.

7)    It’s okay to focus on self for a little bit everyday.

I encourage you to make your own rules.  Living with distraction can make happiness evasive.  For ideas for pursuing your zing, check out Gretchen Rubin’s book, entitled, ”The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean my Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun.”  She has taken the time to try out all the advice happiness experts have to offer.  At her blog, “The Happiness Project” she has suggested rules for finding your happiness as well as a Happiness Toolbox for getting started on your own happiness project.

For research studies about enhancing happiness, considered visiting University of Penn’s Positive Psychology Center.  The site carries links to current research in the area of happiness, as well as connects to the Authentic Happiness Site,  where internet surfers can learn about their attribution style and life satisfaction.  For happiness inspiration, visit the ruHap website. You can sign-up for their user-friendly happiness newsletter, that can serve as a great reminder to keep working toward your happiness goals.

I wish you the best in your happiness pursuit.  It’s good to be back to writing, pursing my zing…

As we prepare for what is to come, I fight to make this journey meaningful.  I struggle to balance my immediate need to grief the loss of who my father was and would have been, with the day to day need to set a sane example for my children.  How can I best make this path an opportunity to teach my children about love, empathy, tolerance, and optimism?  How can I heal my own angst about things unsaid, when my dad can no longer understand and remember?  How do I honor my Dad with the care he deserves, while still keeping my sanity as a wife and mother of 5?  How will I balance the diverse needs of my children with ADHD with needs of my aging parents? How will I manage it all? Can I manage it all? Or how will I explain to my mother that I cannot provide the care and assistance? Then what?

These questions weigh heavy on my heart, but in the coming months, I am certain the boat will begin to right itself.  Care routines will be formalized-   I will have those difficult conversations-  I will find my sense of humor again.  But mostly, I will embrace the good moments I will have with my dad, and in so doing, model the love I intend to teach.

I ask for your patience, your advice, and your prayers- and well any good jokes, as I seek to balance the needs of all while modeling empathy, love and optimism for my family.
Candace

It’s a popular phrase in my house: “Don’t take the bait.” We have variances on it including “don’t be a fish,” “some one is fishing,” and the most popular “looks like you’re going to land a big one.” With 5 kids in the house, several of who are close in age, they joke, tease, and well, see who can get a rise out of whom. A product of an only child family, I was deeply disturbed by this behavior when they were younger. I lecturing about home being a sanctuary and that no one was to be teased ever! I have come to accept that as a family with ADHD, and maybe every family has this to some degree- boredom breeds a little teasing/ poking/ fishing. The nature of the teasing has changed- due to my insistence that relationships be nurtured and that personal attacks are harmful- its rarely name calling or about a person’s attributes or personality- because that gets you in a time out and period of service for the offended- but rather the teasing is simply irksome, prankish behavior designed to get a goat- like slowly delivering a fork to a sibling, as they wait at the table staring at a warm brownie covered in melting ice cream or getting in the bathroom before a sibling and then taking a long time to brush teeth as the school bus arrival time approaches. I think every family with more than 1 child has something going on like this….

What I had not expected is to forget to take my own advice. Yesterday, my 13-year-old landed a big one- his mother. Amid a discussion about how he chose to react to sibling’s behavior, my 13-year-old erupted with the statement, “ Mom you always pick favorites- I know he is your favorite.” Before I knew it, I was defending my response to the sibling; instead of addressing the 13-year-old’s behavior. I became so angry that I walked away before I said something I did not mean. (While that is important to do when you feel out of control- it also ended the engagement.)  It was masterful- he had managed to completely derail me, and escape reflection on his own behavior….

I forgot my golden rule of managing teenagers, prepare for being baited.  Don’t take the bait, always have your unemotional response ready to keep the conversation on track. On one of my better days I would have said, “ I am sorry you see it that way, you need to apologize to your brother for your part of the disagreement.” I would have repeated that statement regardless of what he said in response. Teenagers, and well any child will find your weak spot and exploit it, when they feel pinned into a corner. As parents it is our job to control our responses and be ready, even when we are not at our best.

After I cooled off, I circled back with my cool, “ I love you. You need to apologize to your brother for your part in the disagreement.” He stomped his feet and slammed a door- but he apologized to his brother and even added “what can we do to fix this between us- “ It ended in laughter between both brothers and as the 13 year old and I processed our disagreement later, we laughed at the big one he had landed.

How do you manage “button pushing” and “fishing” at your house? Do your kids fish for reactions? How do you keep your cool? Leave comments so we can discuss more and share ideas!

My response was simple, “Own it before they do.”  (Okay maybe not so simple -I was fighting my desire to advise him on how good practice will earn his peers’ admiration.  I decided to address his concerns this time, instead of using a patented mother mantra- which is admittedly easier and less complicated.)  I went with “acknowledge your issues before they have an opportunity to comment.”  Publicly recognizing your personal “elephant in the room.”  You could even make a joke about yourself being a poor lacrosse player.  There isn’t much they can add, and as an added bonus- you get credit for being a good sport for laughing at yourself.  We then brainstormed a variety jokes and approaches he could take to acknowledge his lack of skill.  A few I have included below:

The Acknowledgement: “Guys, I am just gonna warn you, I am a newbie.”

Sincerity with a touch of sarcasm: “You guys will be kind to the new guy, right?”…followed by wide toothy grin…

The Compliment: “Guys, I am really struggling to catch the ball- do you have any good advice or techniques?  How did you get so good at it?”

The Joke: “ I am so bad at lacrosse, my coach asked if I knew there was a net at the top of my stick.”

The “own it before some else does” principle applies to making mistakes too. I recently ranted on my PowerMom Journal blog about “house damage.”  Some of my frustration with the kids was fueled by the lack of ownership my children took- a lack of accountability for their actions both with their possessions, as well in our relationship.  “Own it before someone else does” has become a code phrase my kids utter to each other when something is broken or damaged.

Think about it. As the individual who made the mistake when you own “it,” you take back some control of the situation.  You decide when you will explain what you did.  You decide what you will say to apologize.  You lessen opportunities for someone to misinterpret what happened or read motives into your actions that are simply not your intention.

It’s a simple phrase,  even catchy-  “Own it before someone else does.”  It can put you back in charge, when you feel like you have lost all your control.

I’ll be honest, abuse of the house, though I am guilt of it as well as the kids, really upsets me, for two reasons.  First there is the morality of it. Somewhere in the pit of my being is the belief that how you treat and respect property is reflective of how you treat and respect yourself and others- so you can imagine how upset I have become as the emotional outbursts and science experiments gone awry have left the house looking unkempt, with small dents in walls, cabinets, and the dishwasher door.  I want my house to be a sanctuary for us all- do sanctuaries have cracked and broken doors and lamps, bricks smeared with caulk? Maybe?….

The second thing that upsets me about the “house abuse,” as I have come to term it, is it is one long constant expense.  No matter how hard we try as a group, something is always broken or lost.  The other week, we finally broke down and bought a new set of flatware after one child admitted to throwing out several utensils to avoid washing them and another child admitted to losing several forks at school, after taking them to eat their lunch.  We were down to 4 spoons and 6 forks, for a family of 7.  (For the record, I keep plastic utensils and junk silverware with the lunch containers- so kids can take utensils- just don’t take the good stuff, has always been the rule.)

So where I am going with this rant?  Well, I was in a real tailspin after the microwave and the chandelier- I was very angry with my children.  I am sure some of my anger was about fearing for kids’ safety, but I also felt like they fundamentally took their house for granted (a real grievance in the wake of today’s mortgage crisis.)  Reflecting on their actions through a disability perspective however, I can now see how all these “abuses” were really the result of impulsive acts, not acts meant to show disrespect or entitlement.  I had to face the fact that much of my anger was actually the result of feeling overwhelmed by the constant bedlam and cost they created, lest the damage not be repaired and the house continue to fall into disrepair.

After several long conversations with my husband, in which we examined our roles in the mess, we realized there were three issues to be addressed.  Below is the list.  Click on each heading for the plan and guidelines we are using to address the concerns.

1)    How do you apologize?

2)    How do you repair a rift after a series of mistakes?

3)    How do you fiscally manage breaking and losing objects and possessions?

These 3 issues are large pieces to tackle, and I don’t recommend approaching them all at once.  While tempting, trying to address too many issues at once, may lead you to abandon the project before it gets off the ground.  Consider starting with just one issue, teach it and model it, before focusing on the next issue.  It will make you feel good when you have completed a step and encourage you to continue the process of teaching these massive life lessons on money and ADHD management.

Illustration by Keith Noordzy, http://keithnoordzy.blogspot.com

As I have met parents managing ADHD, I am always struck by the journey we all seem to be taking- each of us in a different place, altered by our experiences, our conversations, the books we’ve read, the professionals we’ve met, the teachers with which we’ve collaborated, the list goes on and on.  I don’t always agree with these parents’ opinions, but I usually recognize where they are on the journey and feel empathy for where they are in their voyage through parenthood with ADHD.   When I met Debbie Phelps, I admit I was disappointed that she seemed to brag about how Michael had stopped taking medicine at 9.  The confidence with which she spoke and the advise she gave about how simply funneling Michael’s energy into swimming had allowed him to overcome ADHD, seemed elitist and oversimplified.

Despite the over simplification, I could not deny she had a very successful son who appeared to have “overcome ADHD.” I could not deny there might be mom-lessons to learn from her experiences.  Clearly the level of exercise Michael was getting during his training sessions had been his medication for ADHD- the research supports that.  Was exercise not a safer alternative to stimulants?  It is natural.  I began to think, could I funnel my crew into enough sports to keep them active enough so their brains could create the chemicals needed to offset the speed at which their current neurotransmitters where re-absorbed?  With 5 kids, was it feasible?  And with co-morbid diagnoses like ODD, could I set up an adequate reward plan to get them regularly training an adequate amount so they could have academic and social success? Could I do all this while still working?  Could I afford not to work?

I know this next statement will put me in hot water with all you naturalists out there- who would never but chemicals in their child’s brain- but consider the whole picture before you call me a poor mother.  My family still takes stimulant medication (and omega-3 vitamins.)  I could not and still cannot figure out how I could be consistent enough with exercise training and still give my kids time to do homework and pursue other activities, like playing a musical instrument or participating in scouts.  As the kids put it to me, “Mom we want to do more than just play sports.”  When I look at how much self-affirmation my daughter has gained from playing her musical instruments, practicing so hard that she made an elite band- all that time would have to spent being a mediocre (at best) athlete- while her brain might have been stimulant-free, she would have lost opportunities that really give her joy, self-confidence, and success- something that even Debbie Phelps was looking for when she funneled her son into swimming.

So we made this decision as a family to continue our stimulant therapy and I have quietly prayed I made the best decision, knowing that I was giving my children opportunities to develop other aspects of themselves but hoping the potential damage to their long term growth was minimal.  This brings us to yesterday morning with Michael Phelps and his bong. I wondered what his mom is saying to him and to herself- I wonder because she is further along this parenting journey and because I question my decisions, and because I know I would have been hugging my swimmer-son while I yelled!  Does she feel she is looking at the consequences of her decisions, like we all will eventually…as a mom who cares deeply about my children and their success as human beings, my heart aches for her a bit- because I know she cares so deeply too!  I wondered if she has regrets and where are the lessons for the rest of us, who are not famous, who do not have famous sons?

I know as a parent educator, that the use of drugs among kids who take stimulant medication is lower than kids with ADHD, who do not take stimulants.  I wonder if lack of training as Michael has toured the world for his endorsement deals has led to a “flair up of his ADHD.”  It underlines many points- first, ADHD really is a livelong condition, it’s caused by brain chemistry- it doesn’t simply go away in middle school, high school or even college.  Second, ADHD can be successfully managed in a multitude of ways including exercise and/or stimulant medication.  And finally, the Phelps story screams that our job as parents is never done.  I wonder if Michael’s mom called him yesterday and asked him to come home and talk, regroup?  Did she even realize that the impulsive act of taking a hit from that marijuana bong that would potentially jeopardize millions of endorsement deals and his future in swimming might be connected to his ADHD?  I hope so.  I guess my take away message from this modern day parable is there are many ways to successfully manage ADHD, but never forget it is a livelong commitment to its successful management- something we have to teach to our kids, as well as remember ourselves.

Accept differences, Be genuine,

Count your blessings, Dream,

Experiment, Forgive, Give thanks,

Harm no one, Imagine more,

Jettison anger, Keep a sense of humor, Love deeply,

Manage your issues, Nurture hope, Open your mind, Pursue wisdom,

Quiet doubt, Rethink approaches, Simplify, Teach generosity,

Understand, Value truth, Win graciously, eXercise,

Yearn to collaborate, Zealously advocate.

I had a good laugh this morning, when I saw one of my Facebook friends, had joined the Facebook Addiction Disorder Group.  Keep in mind, I was laughing because over the last 2 weeks, in spite of the holidays arriving, 5 children being home from school, my husband home from weeks of intensive business travel, I have spent a ridiculous amount of time playing on Facebook.  This morning, okay this noon— (it was morning when I got on the computer) I was shocked to discover glasses and dirty plates spread across the kitchen and basement, dirty laundry strewn from the boys bathroom to the mudroom door, where mismatched gloves littered the floor.  How did my house get so trashed? … I am humbling reporting…presence…

What is presence? Barbara Sanderson, PhD in her book, Talk It Out!: The Educator’s Guide to Successful Difficult Conversations, describes many types of presence; physical,  mental, emotional, and spiritual.  “ When we are fully present we are visible and people know where we stand on important issues.  Our communications are clear and delivered at appropriate times with attention to tone and noverbal impact.”  …hmmm, I think that would help the state of my house.

Webster’s dictionary defines “presence of mind” as “the ability to think and act quickly in an emergency.”  Given I live in a house with 5 children, ages 18 months to 13 years- an emergency is always on the horizon- as evidenced by the strewn dirty laundry (my 13 year old’s desperate search for clean pants) and the mismatched gloves (my 6 year olds frantic quest for any glove, regardless of size.)

…So my New Year’s resolution?  (…and for the record, I hate resolutions because by January 30^th, I’ve blown it—and I feel like a loser) is to “be present.” I can’t complain about the state of the house or the state of the kids, if I have checked out- via Facebook or any other medium.  I suspect this will be a mighty challenge in the face of starting a non-profit and initiating my foray into blogging.  …so I will keep you updated, as I struggle to balance work, family and play in a full house of kids with ADHD…